#I'm home alone all week and I barely survived today...

[flowery-laser-blasts]

Whenever Shego has to leave to steal parts for Drakken's doomsday machines...

[bingbongsupremacy]

Happy Anniversary

Pairing: Ellie Williams x Reader

Warnings: Creep, pet names, use of y/n

Summary: An anger filled fight doesn't stop Ellie from Standing up for you.

*Not Proof Read* TLOU Masterlist

*****

" -god, how many times do I have to tell you, I'm fucking sorry, okay? I completely forgot about our date. It's been a long week. " Ellie groans, running a hand through her messy hair.

" Our date? " I narrow my eyes in disbelief. " It's our anniversary, you absolute ass. I've been reminding you about it for the past fucking five days. I planned everything, Ellie. All you had to do was fucking show up and you couldn't even do that. "

Ellie's jaw clenches in frustration. Her eyes darken. Annoyance seeps through her tone. " It's one fucking day. I get it, we've been dating for an entire year, whoopie. " Ellie mocks. " We don't need to plan something on a stupid fucking day to remind ourselves how long we've been together. "

Sadness fills my already rage filled heart. Did she really not give a shit? " That's not the point, Ellie. I barely see you anymore. You're always on patrol...I just wanted to spend time with you. And-and you can't even spare an hour for me anymore! "

Ellie's eyes narrow. She stands up, finally meeting my gaze. " Don't even. You spend all your time in that stupid bakery. Doing what? Baking fucking cakes. At least I'm trying to protect us-keep the fucking bad shit outside so you can keep on baking pastries. I'm on patrol for us. "

Rage seeps out of Ellie's every pore. Her face is lit up from the fire place, casting a dark shadow across her tired features.

My heart shatters. Stupid pastries? Does she think that little of my job? " I don't need you to protect me. I can take care of myself. " I spit. " I've survived without you for years, Ellie. I can do it again. I don't need you. "

For a moment Ellie's angry expression seems to break. Sadness flashes through her eyes, leaving just as fast as it came. Could it be the lighting?

" You don't need me? Fucking fine. " Ellie snatches her worn coat from the floor. " I'll see you around. " Ellie snaps towards the door.

Regret floods my body. " Ellie-Wait! I didn't mean it. " I chase after her. " Ellie! "

Ellie doesn't respond. Instead she slams my front door, stopping me from continuing after her. The loud sound bounces off my dark walls, mocking my hurting heart.

All I wanted was to spend time with her.

---------

Ellie doesn't need me either.

For weeks I've thought back the our argument, where everything went wrong. I doubt Ellie has. She's spent the last 3 weeks partying with Cat.

It's not like I'm unfamiliar with the quietness filling my house. I spend most of my nights alone, only having another person there when Ellie sneaks in after patrol. This time, the silence is haunting.

Ellie's still pissed. She hasn't bothered to pick up anything of hers. Whenever we're in the same area, she finds a way to get out of there fast.

Honestly, I'm still pissed at her. The one time in 2 weeks I ask for her to make time for me, and she still can't find the fucking find a way to.

I make my way out of the bar, flinching at the freezing temperature outside. The streets are quiet. Only the flickering lights from nearby street lights break the darkness. Everyone's home.

I make my way down the street, taking my time look at the night sky.

A shiver runs down my spine when the sound of crunching snow fills my ears. Not from my shoes. From someone else.

" H-hey, baby. Where're you heading off to all alone? " A slurred voice asks.

I turn the face the owner. It's one of the newer people Tommy brought in today. " That's none of your business. "

I shove my freezing hands into my pockets.

The mans' eyes narrow. His grinning expression fading into a more frustrated one. " That's no way to talk to your new neighbor, sweet cheeks. Especially when he's being so nice to you. "

Disgust and fear fill my stomach. This guy can't be serious.

The tart smell of booze oozes off of his clothes. He certainly didn't wait long to find the bar.

" Why don't you leave me alone, neighbor. " I try to stand up straight, make myself look intimidating. Inside, my heart pounds quickly.

The man steps closer to me, causing me to take a step back. My heels makes contact with the snow covered curb. My body falls backwards, my arms stretching back to catch my fall.

A stinging pain fills my left hand. The white snow underneath quickly turns a cherry shade of red. The icy dust enrages my cut hand, making the injury hurt so much more.

" You just saved me a whole lotta time, baby. " The man chuckles, stepping towards me, grabbing ahold of the back of my head.

" Hey you, ugly motherfucker, back the fuck off. " Ellie's familiar voice cuts through the bitter air. She steps out of the shadows from behind the man, carrying a blade in hand. " Now. "

The man chuckles. " What? Is this your little bitch? Shoulda known, they look like a- " The man doesn't have time to finish his sentence.

Ellie lunges at the man, taking him off guard as she loops behind him, holding the shiny blade to his neck. " Unless you have a death wish, I suggest you shut the fuck up. "

His hand lets go of my head, obviously surprised by the sudden movement. The mans eyes widen in confusion and shock. " Hey- "

Ellie presses the blade in the mans throat. Not hard enough to kill him, but hard enough to draw a few beads of blood.

" Please! " The man begs, obviously not expecting this outcome.

Ellie pushes the man away. " Get the fuck out of here, you fucking coward. "

The man scrambles away from us. He hurries back in the direction of the bar, clutching his veiny neck with his large hand.

" Thank you. " I let out a breath of relief. " I had no idea- "

Ellie turns her eyes towards me once she's sure the man has gone away. " What the hell are you doing out here this late? Are you fucking crazy? What the fuck is wrong with you! " Ellie steps towards me. " You could've been hurt! God, do you even think? "

As much as want to fight back, I know she's right. I should've left with Jesse and Dina. So many new people have been brought into Jackson, too many to meet them all. There's bound to be some shady characters in the mix.

" I didn't think anything would happen. " Tears sting the back of my eyes. I tear my gaze away, not wanting Ellie to see me weak.

Ellie scoffs. " You're not a fucking ghost, y/n. People can see you walking out here alone and the fucked up ones will want to hurt you. "

" I know. " I whisper, trying to cover up the shaky sound of my voice.

Ellie's eyes soften. " Y/N..." She sighs. " I didn't mean-Is that blood? " Ellie rushes towards me, snatching my hand from the ground. " Oh my god, why didn't you say anything? "

I try to pull my hand away. " It's just a scrape. "

" Your hand looks like a fucking Saw movie - " Ellie holds my wrist tightly, not allowing me to break away.

" Ellie! What the fuck. " My stomach churns at the sight of my hand. I didn't realize it was bleeding this bad.

Ellie puts her other hand on the side of my waist. " Come on, we need to get this fixed before you get an infection. Who knows what that fucker was carrying and if it spreads. "

I stand up and I'm quickly ushered towards Ellie's garage. " You're not funny. "

" I'm not trying to be. Did you see the crust on his eyes? I don't think that's natural. Not to mention his dirty fingers. " Ellie mutters.

We walk the rest of the way in silence, Ellie not moving her hand from my waist.

Light cuts through the darkness of Ellie's garage as she flicks on the switch. A pile of clothes sits in the corner next to her bed, obviously dirty from patrol. Various things liter the floor, just the way it was before I met her.

" It's a bit of a mess...I wasn't expecting company. " Ellie rubs the back of her neck, obviously a little embarrassed by the sight of her room. " I've been pretty busy. "

I roll my eyes. " With Cat, I know. "

Ellie's eyes widen. " What? Cat? "

" I know you've been hanging out with her. " I don't meet her gaze. I don't care if she hangs out with Cat. It's just the fact she didn't tell me about it. I guess we were on a break...She didn't need to tell me anything.

Ellie grabs a small bag from on top of her desk. She gently pushes me onto the bed before pulling open the bag. " It's not like that...We didn't do anything. " She dabs the cut with a little towel.

" Yeah, for sure. Look Ellie, I don't give a shit who you fuck. " I say through clenched teeth. Obviously I'm lying. " Just don't pretend you having been with someone else. "

Ellie's eyes meet mine, confusion filling her expression. " Y/N, it's not like that. Cat and I...we aren't anything. I met with her 2 times to talk to her about...fuck about how to make everything up to you. I didn't fuck Cat. I would never do that to you. "

My eyes widen. " What? "

Ellie continues to bandage my hand. " I told Cat what happened. She thought it was pretty shitty of me to stand you up on our anniversary. " Ellie sighs and lets go of my hand. " Look, I've never done this before. I've never been in a relationship this long. I-I'm fucking terrified. What am I supposed to do? " Ellie admits.

I've never seen her this...vulnerable before. She tends to keep things bottled up, something I've tried to get her to stop doing for her own sake, but it's never worked.

" I don't want to ruin you, y/n. I've ruined everything else in my fucking life. No one I love ever fucking gets a happy ending. I mean, look at Joel and Riley...I don't want you to end up like them. " Ellie's voice cracks.

" Ellie...I had no ideas..." I put my hand on her arm.

" How would you? I've been ignoring you for months. I just...I didn't want something to happen to you. I know that's a shitty excuse, but it's true. You mean so fucking much to me, Y/N. I don't know what I'd do without you. " I scan Ellie's face for any signs of dishonesty. She's sincere.

" Nothing is going to happen to me. Ellie, you can't do this to yourself, blame yourself for everything that happened. You had no idea what was going on. You have to stop torturing yourself with this. You aren't going to be able to live a full life if you're living in fear. " I try to reason with the woman.

Ellie swallows. " I just don't want you to get hurt. "

" Ellie, if something were to happen to me, I know you'd be right there to help me. I mean, look at what happened a little while ago. I'm going to be okay. Just please...don't ignore me. I want to be here for you. I want to spend time with you. " I pull the girl towards me. " I love you, Ellie Williams. I fucking love you so much. "

I feel Ellie tense at the words. We've never said I love you before.

Ellie shifts so her face is next to mine. Her hot breath fans over my cold lips. " I love you too. " She whispers.

I kiss her, pulling her body towards me. " You owe me a date. " I pant once we pull away.

" I owe you a lot of things. " Ellie sets her head on the crook of my shoulder. " I'll start with another kiss. "

[gortash-did-nothing-wrong]

Random Enver Musings 2

Warning: Discussion of overworking children in their studies.

Enver waited a bit later to let his daughter be introduced to society than most noblemen did. Most rushed their daughters forward, having them come to court at fourteen. Enver waited until his oldest daughter was sixteen to let her come. Personally he would have waited another year, but his darling daughter, Ember, was getting quite sick of waiting.

She was much like her mother, beautiful and graceful. And much like him, cunning and intelligent. Within a week of accompanying him to court, she had several friends, and to his utter horror, admirers. Enver nearly struck a boy over the head with his cane when the lad gifted his daughter a shoddily made bracelet that the lad insisted he had made himself. Judging by the harsh hammer marks upon the simple metal band, Enver believed it.

Ember had been very polite to the boy in public, but the second she and Enver were alone she took the bracelet off and giggled, pointing out every flaw in its making. "Daddy, you could do better than this in your sleep!"

Enver huffed, "And I will. I'll craft something lovely for you to wear to the ball next month. Perhaps a set."

His wife teased him that night. "You definitely raised a daddy's girl."

Enver, "Good. She needs to know men can't just do the bare minimum and get applause. With any luck it'll take her until she's in her thirties to find a man half as capable as me."

Enver finished pouring his wife her tea, sprinkling in the dried mint leaves she enjoyed. "Now come, have your evening tea. It's getting cold."

When their oldest son came to court, Enver found he had to supervise him much more. If he didn't, his son would show up in his work clothes from Damon's blacksmith shop, stained in soot, his fingers nearly pitch black. How many times he yanked his son into a water closet, scrubbing away at his fingernails.

"You're sixteen, I shouldn't have to tell you to be clean when you arrive at court!" Enver hissed, scrubbing soap on his son's face to rid him of the smoke stains.

"I worked a long shift, okay?!" His son, Jahson, snapped. "Don't nag me about my clothes!"

"You're lucky you're too old to spank." Enver grumbled, wiping the soap and muck away with a rag.

"You didn't ever spank us?"

"I'm thinking maybe I should start." Enver snapped, though they both knew it was all hot air. "Now go downstairs, get in the carriage, and have our driver take you home. Send him back for me and your sister in about two hours."

Jahson, "Why can't I stay for the rest of court today?"

Enver, "Because look at your clothes! You aren't fit to be seen! Wait until your mother hears about this!"

His wife packed Jahson a change of clothes in his lunch bag from them on, making sure he always had a set of proper clothing to change into after his apprenticeship hours at Damon's Blacksmith Shop.

"I swear, the boy is more skill than sense." Enver grumbled.

His wife chuckled, sipping on her nightly glass of wine as they sat in bed. "He's a boy. I know you were different as a teenager, but teenage boys have this remarkable ability. They can take their brains out of their skulls, put it in a drawer somewhere, and leave it there for weeks at a time."

Enver huffed, "Have I been too easy on him?"

His wife set her wineglass down. "You made him have seven hours of tutoring every week day and six hours of his blacksmith apprenticeship every weekend. The boy has one day a week he isn't learning something, and you usually drag him down into your workshop to help you smelt something. I'd say him forgetting simple things like a change of clothing is a result of you making him do too much. Ease up on our boy, hm? Ease up a little on all of them, actually."

Enver turned over, taking her face in his hands. "The world will not get softer for them. I am their father, not their friend. I need to ensure they survive, even if they hate me for it. Please tell me you understand that?"

"I do." She said softly. "But please tell me you understand the dangers of overworking a child?"

Enver was quiet for a moment or two, looking into his wife's eyes. "Why don't all of us go to our vacation home next week? We can give their tutors and nursemaids the week off, just have our little family together?"

His wife's eyes glistened. "That sounds lovely. I'll have the servants pack lots of goodies and picnic foods. We can sit outside at night and watch the stars."

Enver kissed her gently, "And I can leave some of my employees in charge here for a week. It'll do well for them to learn self sufficiency."

They fell asleep talking about their vacation, whispering about activities and meals they'd plan.

[neodymiumcuilz]

I'm Kholoud from Gaza. I have no home left, no safety left. The war destroyed my house, and now I live in a tattered tent. But that is not the real pain…

The real pain is being a mother watching her children suffer every single day, unable to do anything to save them.

My children suffer from a rare and severe skin disease (Ichthyotic Psoriatic Plaque). Their skin cracks, bleeds, and burns with pain. They cannot sleep, they cannot play, they cannot live like other children. Their small bodies can no longer endure this agony, and all I can do is hold them close and try to hide my tears.

$500 every three days—that is the price of easing their pain. But I have nothing. I don’t even have enough to feed them. I am begging you, please donate whatever you can—be it half, a quarter, or even the smallest amount. 😭🙏

I am pleading with you as a mother, to your kind heart—please, don’t leave me alone in this suffering. Your help, no matter how small, could mean the difference between them continuing to fight or surrendering to the pain.

My children deserve life. They deserve a childhood free of agony. You could be their lifeline.

Donation link is pinned in bio 🙏

HELP A CHILD IN AGONY IN GAZA - URGENT DONATIONS NEEDED 🍉🍉

"I am Kholoud Al-Hanawi From Gaza 🇵🇸, the wife of Dr. Ahmad, a surgeon who risked his life in the war to save others. But today, he stands helpless—unable to save his own children. Our home is gone, reduced to rubble, and now we live in a tattered tent, barely shielding us from the burning sun and freezing nights. We have lost everything… but the worst pain is watching our children suffer.

Our precious babies, Yazan (9 years old) and Zeina (2 years old), are battling a cruel disease—Plaque Ichthyosis Psoriasis 🩸. Their delicate skin cracks, bleeds, and burns every single day. Every movement is agony. Every night is filled with their cries of pain. No child should suffer like this. "

These are words from @khloud-family1 who has reached out, asking for help. She is from Gaza, the city where nowhere is safe, where there are no safe homes to return to, where just under half of children have lost the will to live, and expressed a want to die. Where there is no food, water, or health care. Where people starve, and parents are forced to watch as their children suffer, unable to do anything. This is a harsh reality for Kholoud. Who lives under a tent, unprotected from the elements. In the unsanitary conditions, sick and injured are highly vulnerable.

" How do I tell him that the medicine he desperately needs is beyond our reach? $500 every 3 days—that’s what it costs to ease their pain. But how can we afford it when we barely have food to survive? "

$500 every 3 days, about $1000 per week. Keeping in mind, there is little to no income in Gaza. The cost of medicine and other needs is too much to bear. Don't just ignore this, what are you waiting for? Don't wait until its too late. Don't forget about them, don't leave this family in the dark. Donations are crucial, what may be a disposable amount to you, will save his life. Donate what you can manage - even 5 or 10 dollars.

ONLY $215 USD RAISED - that's isn't even half the amount for 3 days of medicine. Please, have humanity.

[luneemeritus]

「Kisses in summer night」

(Leroux Erik / Christine) Romantic, SFW

NOTES: this is my first fanfiction i post here and i'm so nervous because english is not my first language, please be kind!! Btw, this is Leroux Erik and Leroux Christine 💋

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A cold and orange afternoon covered the sky of Paris, the last glints of the sun slowly agonizing on the horizon before disappearing completely. This was the time when most men returned to their homes after a long day at work – and unfortunately, others were just beginning a journey of hellish fatigue. However, whatever was going on in the sick, dystopian world outside didn't interest Christine. The Scandinavian soprano has spent most of her recent days in the catacombs of Paris since she met her Maestro in person. She was certainly surprised to discover that the Angel of Music was a man of flesh and blood. A man she could touch and see. She considered him a divine gift, even as mortal and imperfect.

Christine was not forced to stay downstairs, and she was well aware that her adoptive mother and her acquaintances were curious and worried about her long periods of absence. But she couldn't resist. She loved spending hours and hours in that place, next to The Phantom. Her will was never to leave the dark catacombs again, never again to feel the fatal light of day burn her white and ruddy skin, and Erik's presence was her main reason. That afternoon, he was gone most of the day... he insisted on shopping for his student and guest, but all that stress and interaction with other people just made him irritable. Erik hated leaving the house, hated being in public and interacting with human beings. In addition to hatred, he was afraid. Poor Erik.

When he returned to his lair on that evening, he felt tired and sore after walking so far. He wasn't used to exercising, walking a lot or even leaving the house to get some sun. Yes, his care for his own health was questionable. But Christine still loved and admired him, and she cared for him even though she wouldn't admit it. She was engaged in academic reading during his absence, but as much fun and interesting as Nana was, Erik's arrival was far more important.

— Survived the outside world? – Christine asked in an ironic tone, closing the book and following her teacher's discouraged steps.

— Barely – he replied, tossing the shopping bags onto the couch and pulling off his cloak – I don't know how you manage to exist out there without freaking out.

Erik was visibly stressed and tired; his fingers trembled in agony, which always happens when he anxious. Despite this, he was still willing to sit down at the piano and try some composing. Christine moved closer to him, keeping her hands tucked into her dress – she wasn't sure it felt right to touch him right now.

— Try to get some rest, Maestro. You're not well, you won't be able to compose today.

— I'm fine, Christine. It's over... – his voice came out weak and trembling – the looks, that crowd of people squeezing me... it's over...

— Next time, I'll go with you. You've been so kind to me this week, sacrificing yourself out there to please me, I need to make it up to you somehow.

— Your presence alone is more reward than I deserve, Christine. – he made an effort to smile at her, it was still strange to express himself to other people without his mask.

Erik focused on the piano, still a little embarrassed by his student's proximity. It was stressful in every way imaginable, which reflected in his performance – he frequently missed notes when he was anxious, and his creative mind was still too blocked to write anything. But he didn't want the luxury of confessing his weaknesses to Christine; no, they weren't close enough. Not yet. He tried to ignore her presence there, avoiding eye or physical contact.

But what Erik didn't expect to feel at that moment were Christine's small and delicate hands touching his shoulders. And it wasn't just touching, she was massaging his stressed muscles. It wasn't long before he felt less sore, the muscles relaxing as Christine gently twisted them with her slender fingers. Yes, it was a very good feeling, even if it provoked an annoying shyness in the Maestro – but he would not be ignorant to refuse that privilege. Erik didn't know what to say, so he just stopped playing and accepted the affection. He was careful not to slump into her body or even sigh at the relief her hands brought him.

— You need to relax – Christine said at last – You're too hard on yourself. You don't have to be strong all the time, not by my side.

— Oh, hum, thanks. I-I... I don't know how to take care of myself. I didn't have the opportunity to learn how.

— Let me take care of you, then. – she realized that her suggestion left the Maestro awkward and embarrassed, he was still hesitant and shy.

Christine quickly sat down behind Erik in the small space left over from the bench and laid his head on her chest. She continued massaging his shoulders, this time he allowed himself to sigh at her soft touch. For a moment, all of her tiredness and stress from before was completely gone. He craved Christine's touch – as simple and chaste as it was – every day, every night, every moment. I craved them at levels that were painful, almost physically. But he was too insecure to ask for them, he felt like a damned gargoyle demanding the unworthy affection of a divine angel. Erik realized that he needed to surrender to his own desires every now and then... no, he didn't need to be strong all the time. Next to her, he could be himself.

Immersed in brief comfort, eyes closed, Erik was unprepared for the soprano's next move – she leaned in and placed a warm, lingering kiss on the crook of his neck. He opened his eyes in fright, his pale skin reddening like a cherry in a matter of seconds. Christine, still blushing with her, let out a soft, low laugh as she realized the effect her kiss had had on the Maestro.

— You look like a tomato – she said, in an amused tone.

— I-I noticed... and it's because of you... – Erik replied awkwardly, unable to hold back his shy smile as he rubbed his hands together.

Christine didn't answer, just gasped weakly and trailed kisses down the curve of his neck, feeling him grow warmer. She didn't stop there, pulling a little of his shirt away and kissing his shoulders. It was the first time she had heard Erik laugh and sigh, filled with a happiness and relief he never thought he could reach.

— You are so strange, Maestro – she commented, without stopping kissing him – You seek affection and when you receive it, you are scared.

— It was a quest… a bit platonic, at least that's what I thought. Oh! – he gasped, surprised to feel his student's sweet lips kissing his face – Oh, Christine… I don't deserve this. She kissed his cheek harder and caressed the other half of his face with her left hand while her right massaged Erik's chest.

— You deserve this and much more – Christine kissed the corner of his lip – Please start loving yourself the way I love you.

— I-I... – he turned his face slightly, receiving a chaste kiss on the lips – I'll try.

At that moment, it was his turn to act. Erik turned his torso to the side and hugged Christine tightly, kissing her passionately as he threaded his hands through the soprano's golden hair. He was hungry and desperate for her touch, for the sweet pink lips she possessed. She returned the affection and wrapped her arms around his neck, but it didn't take long for her to pull away from the kiss, gasping for air. Both were flushed, panting and smiling, caressing each other with their faces. Erik kissed her lightly on the forehead.

— I love you very much, Christine. Much more than my own life – he whispered – Let me sleep on top of you tonight, my Angel. All I want is to lay on your breasts and sleep hugging you.

— You will never be alone again, Erik. – she answered with a sweet smile and a calm, loving voice.

He buried his face in the crook of her neck, kissing and smelling her pale skin – now lightly flushed like a delicate tulip. She kissed him on the forehead and remained wrapped around him, her sun-colored hair falling over Erik's shoulder. Nights were never as calm as this one.

[bluestar22x]

Chapter 8

Baby Fever - Chapter 8

Series Summary: It all started with a classic case of baby fever

Pairing: Marcus Pike x F!(Wife)Reader

Rating: 18+ Series

Warnings: Slight angst/anxiety, some fowl language, plenty of fluff

Word Count: 2,000 (ish)

Author's Note: This one took a lot of pondering to figure out what to write, but it came to me all at once so I got this typed up pretty fast. It's another slightly angsty but later fluffy chapter.

xxx

You'd never been big on parties, at least not ones centered around you. Even as a child, you'd found yourself blushing when your family sang you happy birthday or when they made a big deal out of your graduations (8th grade, high school, and college). You weren't a super shy person, but you didn't like being the center of attention when in a large group.

It wasn't any different with your baby shower. If anything it was worst. At twenty-eight weeks pregnant, the beginning of your third trimester, you were starting to feel huge, and that day you were feeling particularly achy and moody. You loved your family, but you spent most of the party grinning and baring it, putting on a show for their sakes.

It didn't help your mother and sister had surprised you with it, only telling Marcus to bring you and drop you off at your mother's house at nine in the morning on that day. If you'd had a say you'd have made it so everyone could be there, including Marcus, but since your mom had taken a large roll in the planning of it the celebration was traditional in every sense of the word - meaning no boys allowed.

Normally you wouldn't have been too bothered by being separated from Marcus for a few hours, you still worked full time after all, but the mood swings you'd been having recently meant that sometimes you were really clingy to him, and that was the feeling you had that day. You just wanted to go home and curl up in his arms.

On top of that, getting baby gifts from your family really brought home that you were just a few months away from having your baby, already. Despite the roller coaster ride that your pregnancy had been at times, it had flown by, and you felt overwhelmed by how much you still had left to do before the baby arrived.

You'd survived your baby shower, but by the time your aunts and cousins left you were exhausted and more than a little anxious to get home.

Your sister offered to bring you home after your last aunt left at three, and helped you load your parents' car up with all the gifts you'd gotten. Once everything was packed in you shared a final hug with your mom who told you, knowingly, to get some rest.

"When are you going back home?" you asked your sister on the way out of your parents' driveway.

"I'm going to be on an early flight tomorrow morning," Emily replied.

"How's Aaron doing alone with Henry?"

Emily had come to Washington D.C. without her little family this time.

"Henry just started potty training so I can imagine it's been an interesting couple of days," she said with a chuckle, "But Aaron's been an amazing dad so I don't think I'll be walking into a horror show when I get back, hopefully."

"Was it hard leaving Henry for two days?" you inquired curiously.

She sighed. "More than you could imagine. He's growing up so fast. I'm afraid when I get back I'll find a teenager in my house."

You snorted. "That's a little dramatic, Em. But I think I can kind of relate on that part. It feels like just weeks ago, not months, that I found out I was pregnant."

"How are you feeling about that?" she quizzed. "You seemed kind of off today."

It was your turn to sigh. "I'm just in a mood today, and you know how much I love parties -"

"Sorry -"

"It's okay," you assured her. "I appreciate you and mom throwing it for me. I promise, I do. And the gifts will really help out. There's so much to buy for a new baby, you know that, and now I can cross off like ninety-nine percent of the items off my list. It'll be less stressful in the long run."

"The thing is, it reminded me how close I am to being a mother and how I don't feel as prepared as I thought I'd feel by now," you admitted.

"Oh, sis," Emily said with a sympathetic tone, "They say no one's ready for a reason. You can only prepare for parenthood so much. Most of it is learn as you go, especially since each baby is unique. You probably won't understand her at all at the beginning, and that's going to be tiring and stressful, but it gets better, and you will get there."

You curled an arm around the underneath of your swollen belly and nodded, feeling a little better at her honesty. "Thanks, I needed to hear that. There's still a part of me that's going to continue fret about all I need to do before though."

"That's only natural," she told you. "Just remember you aren't alone. Aaron was a big help. I'm sure Marcus has and will be as well. That man's always stuck to your side whenever I see you together; I'm surprised he didn't insist on staying."

You laughed. "Yeah. He's been great. I couldn't ask for a better partner. I never thought a man could be so attentive before him."

Emily smiled warmly. "I'm so happy you found him, sis. Especially since that led to my little niece."

You rubbed your baby bump as a smile also graced your face. "I am too."

x

Marcus was approaching the car even before your sister had it in park in your driveway, having probably been watching out for it.

He stood by your door as you got out and gave you a peck on the cheek before shutting it behind you.

"Did you enjoy the party?" he questioned.

"It wasn't bad," you answered honestly. "I wish you could've been there though."

"I was banned from entering the house," he told you.

You rolled your eyes. "That's my mother for you." You loved her, but she was a stickler for traditions, whether they were outdated or not.

His eyes registered the stuffed back seat and his eyebrows shot up. "We might need a bigger room for the baby."

You chuckled. "My family has never been stingy on gifts. Especially for babies. I don't think we'll have to buy much. There's some stuff in there I'd never even thought about getting. Never saw them on any of the essentials-to-buy lists online."

"Those are never complete," Emily huffed as she glanced over to you both. "Trust me, you'll need it all."

She made her way to the trunk and started filling her arms with items, handing you some lighter ones as she did so, while Marcus took on the heavier objects. Between the three of you the car was unpacked in fifteen minutes and all the gifts were cluttered in the center of what used to be the spare guest room.

Marcus had been busy while you were at the baby shower evidently, having put a layer of fresh paint on the walls - a lovely shade of yellow you had chosen out with him a week before at the nearest hardware store. It reminded you of the sun at sunrise.

"The paint looks great," you told him after your sister had left to return to your parents' house. "I thought you were going to wait until my dad could help you though?"

"I had nothing else to do today, and I figured hey, I have an art degree, I should be able to paint a few damn walls by myself," he explained.

"In art history," you pointed out with a laugh.

He shrugged. "No matter."

You grinned. "You're right. It doesn't matter. And thank you."

"No need to thank me," he said, pulling you into his embrace and kissing your temple. "I want to do whatever I can for you and the baby, which really isn't all that much. This feels like the least I can do."

"You help more than you think," you told him, resting your head against his expansive shoulder. "But I know how you can contribute more."

He gave you his full attention and you smiled at him before gesturing at the closet. "Get in there and clear it out. We're going to need the storage space."

"So bossy," he teased as he parted from you to follow the order.

"You like that."

"True."

x

An hour later the nursery's closet had gone from being filled with random items you and Marcus rarely used to being stuffed with baby clothes, toys, and diapers. Lots of diapers.

Most of the stuff he'd taken out you decided could go in the basement, but there was one item you'd insisted you would find space upstairs for - Marcus' old bass guitar.

He'd once been in a band with his college buddies, had played bass and even sang back up vocals a little, but once he'd graduated he had all but retired from playing. He'd played for you a few times while you were dating, but most days it sat around collecting dust.

Despite this, there was no way you were going to have him get rid of it or hide it in an even easier spot to forget about it. You loved that Marcus could play an instrument. Having a boyfriend who was in a band would've been your dream come true as a teen. You were still kinda bummed you hadn't met him back when his band was active.

At least you could still have a private show on occasion.

"Play something for me," you demanded, shoving the instrument at him after the nursery was mostly organized.

He obliged you without any protest, setting up everything he needed to get the bass guitar in working order, and sat down in the rocking chair your mother had gifted you last month.

He began to pluck at the strings with his thick fingers and you leaned against the wall as you listened carefully to the music he was making. The beat sounded familiar and you wanted to take a guess at what song he was covering.

After thirty seconds or so, you were pretty sure you'd figured it out, but you waited until the end of the song to guess, beaming at him as he gently placed the guitar on the floor beside his leg. "Was that Every Little Thing She Does Is Magic?"

He smiled back up at you. "It is, though I slowed it down a bit."

"The Police," you hummed, stepping towards him. "My man has great tastes."

"That's what you say every time I play," he said with a smirk.

"It's true every time." Marcus was a classics kind of guy, and you were good with that.

Your knees brushed his and he spread his legs so you could stand between them. He met your eyes as you did so, and his hands traveled up your blue maternity jeans to your waist, where he fanned his right one out over your firm swell. He soothed the area then bent forward to kiss the center of it, and your heart soared watching him make the soft gesture. You raked a hand through the hair at the back of his head, basking in the moment.

When he lifted his head again he gently guided you away from him so he could stand and kiss you sweetly on the lips. "I'll go start dinner."

"You don't have to do that," you protested. "You've worked all day."

"You've been busy too," he pointed out before kissing you again, "And you know I like to make a fuss."

That he did, and you were too tired to argue against something that was deeply embedded in his nature.

"Fine, but I'm making tomorrow's meals."

"Deal."

And with that, he led you down the hall to the couch before setting to his cooking task.

It wasn't until he called for you to come eat (pancakes of course) that it occurred to you how fitting the lyrics of the song he'd chosen to play was for him.

xxx

Tagged: @amyispxnk, @harriedandharassed

xxx

Series Masterlist

Main Masterlist

xxx

[shades-of-sapphire]

Live in the now

As she pushed the door open and stepped into the sun-lit, spacious room of the café, she heard her husband taking a deep breath right behind her, inhaling the heavenly smell of coffee and bakery. "God, I missed this," he muttered. 

She took a second to look back and flash him a grin. "As if you don't drink fancy-ass coffee from the fancy-ass machine at your fancy-ass office every single day." 

"Nothing beats this," he gestured at his surroundings. "Stopping by an actual shop to actually enjoy the coffee, rather than just gulping the liquid down as a means to survive." 

"We can go for this kind of trip every once in a while on the weekends, so you don't become a depraved man. Hello," she smiled at the young lady at the register, who was smiling back at her equally brightly. "Could you whip us up two of your frappe specialties, please?" 

"But – " 

"No," she said rather firmly, cutting off her husband's whine. "You said you want to enjoy, so no black and bitter coffee today. That's just a means to survive, and you're not on survival mode today." 

She still let him pick the pastry, though. That was enough to at least stop him from sulking, and by the time they wandered off to a table by the window with their orders, he was already back to his bubbly self. 

He hummed in content as he took his first sip, leaning to the back of his chair. "That's not bad." 

She clacked her tongue, though not unkindly. "You have got to stop questioning my decisions, my darling. Especially when it comes to your happiness." 

That – her exceptional knowledge of his happiness – was also what made her force her husband to take an entire week off. He'd been drowning in his work for the past few months, and she'd noticed that he'd becoming increasingly unhappy and stressed. No drastic change in his behavior, just subtle hints here and there, but she knew him better than he knew himself, so the signs were all but screaming at her to do something about it. She considered a holiday trip for their little family, but being the ever perfectionist planner that he was, she knew a trip, while sounded nice and very well-deserved, would add more stress and to-dos to his list. So she decided that the best thing for him was actually to shut his brain off and focus on the mundane day-to-day things he usually never got to enjoy: making breakfast, dropping off and picking up their daughter from school, grocery shopping, dinner preparation, and of course an impromptu trip to the coffee shop. They were on day two of his leave, and so far he'd been following along with no complaints and lots of hum of content. 

"Alright, you're right," he lifted both of his hands in defeat. "I guess Mom really knows what's best for me." 

She threw him a cocky smirk. He never called her Mom when they're alone before – in front of their daughter, sure, but never when it was just the two of them, and she found that she actually quite liked it. "That I do." 

He took another long sip of his drink and looked out the window. His seat was graced by the morning sunlight, but he didn't seem to mind; rather, he closed his eyes and seemed to be basking happily in the warm rays. It was something he hardly got the chance to enjoy, she thought, the simple sunlight; he was always too busy battling through the rush hour to get to the office in the morning, and almost always came home only when there was no sunlight left. Once again she found herself being grateful for succeeding in strong-arming him to take this long overdue week off. 

"You're staring," he called her out without opening his eyes. 

"I am," she admitted, unabashed. 

His lips curled into a smile. "Enjoying the view, I hope?" 

"Of course. That smile barely paid a visit last week. And the week before." 

His eyes fluttered open, smile faltering off his pretty face. He straightened up on his chair and looked at her squarely. "I'm sorry," he said quietly. "I didn't mean to abandon you. Or the princess." 

She waved him off before he got the chance to feel even more guilty. "Don't worry about it. We understand. You're doing your best to bring warm food to the table." 

The corner of his mouth turned in a frown. "Sometimes I wonder if all of it is worth it." 

"What do you mean?" 

"The job. We know it pays handsomely, but at what cost? I don't get to see you and the princess as often as I want to. I barely have time for you, and when I do have the time, I don't have the energy to treat you properly. I feel like I'm doing a bad job at this, being a husband and a father, even though that is way more important than my job at the office." 

The word vomit surprised her. Knowing him, she knew he must had kept those things for a while now, and they'd been bothering him for a while too. "Hey." She took one of his hands, squeezed them between both of hers. "Don't do this to yourself. You’re a wonderful husband, and that is coming from me, your wife, who is the only person with the right to judge you as a husband, so it's legit. As for your performance as a father, we should ask our princess about that, but coming from her mother I think you're being a wonderful dad for her, too." 

"Now you're just flattering me." 

"I'm not. You know me, I don't do white lies. And I will definitely call you out if I think you're being a bad husband or father." 

That brought back the smile to his lips – a small one, but enough to replace the frown. "I'll hold on to that." He curled his hand against hers, intertwining their fingers. "Thank you for making me take the week off. It really helps bring me back to earth, to my family – the reason why I'm doing all the work in the first place." 

His smile was always infectious, and she found herself smiling in no time. In front of her, she saw the man who was her husband and the father of their daughter, but she also saw the nervous young man who had asked her father for permission to marry her, and the nervous boy who had asked her out on their first date. It fascinated her, how much he – no, both of them – had grown over the many years they navigated together. 

Her fluffy thoughts was cut off by the sound of her phone ringing. With a sigh, she rummaged through her purse to find the screaming device. Raised an eyebrow at the name of the caller. "It's your assistant." 

He groaned in frustration. "Leave him be. I've prepared him enough to survive without me for a week." 

"But what if it's important? I mean, should be important enough for him to call me after failing to reach you, no?" 

He closed his eyes, as if praying for patience. "Leave him for now. If he calls again, you can pick up. But if he doesn't, don't bother." 

She shrugged. "If you're sure." 

"I am. I'm not going to switch my work notification back on in the middle of my leave." 

They watched the phone rang until it stopped, then waited for a minute. She couldn't help but feel a little relieved when the second call never came. 

So did he, apparently, because he beamed at her. "Now you can shove the thing back to your bag and forget he ever called." 

She laughed and did as he said. Her fingers brushed something that felt a bit foreign in her purse. She pulled it out – and chuckled at the pale green envelope in her hand. "Hey, I was going to tell you about this but then I forgot. The princess showed this to me." 

"What is it?" He took the envelope she was holding out to him, took out the paper inside, and began to read. As he went farther to the bottom of the paper, his eyes became wider and wider. "What is this?" 

"It's from a project at school," she said, still chuckling. "They were asked to write a letter to one of their classmates, and apparently this cute little boy has the cutest crush for our princess." 

"Crush? Honey, he's confessing his undying love for our princess!" 

"Undying love?" she fell into a laughing fit. "Where did that come from?" 

"It literally says here – 'I love you with all my heart, until the day we have to part' – " 

He looked so horrified it made her laugh even more. "Darling, he's six! It doesn't mean anything – although, I have to admit, he has some seriously good rhyming game there. Wonder where he gets it from." 

He didn't seem to listen. "Who is this boy? Can we meet him later today when we pick up the princess? He needs to pass my vibe check first." 

She shook her head, still amused. "No one's taking away our princess, darling. Not yet, anyway. You can calm down for now." 

He huffed, but took a sip of his frappe to calm himself down anyway. "Man, this is hard. Just the thought of some boy loving our sweet princess... I don't think I'll be able to handle it when it's time for me to walk her down the aisle." 

"Hey, slow down, Romeo, no one's marrying anyone soon. You still have about twenty more years to baby her around." 

A slow, sad smile began forming on his lips. "Nah, I don't think so. Maybe not even ten years until she starts protesting and telling me to stop baby her. She'll grow up so fast I won't be able to catch up." 

She covered his hand on the table with hers. "That's a worry for later, alright? We live in the now, and you still have the chance to baby her on her piano lesson this afternoon, so don't freak out just yet." 

"That sounds nice," he muttered. "This is nice, actually. All of this. Fussing over the princess, fussing over cooking meals. Can I just never go back to work and live like this every day?" 

"Now, now," she hummed, "we do still need warm food on the table, so afraid that's not possible." 

: hello, is this Bryan's mom?  : Yes, who am I speaking with?  : this is Cassidy's father. one of Bryan's classmates  : may I talk to your son about a couple of things?  : Sorry, what's this about? Did Bryan do something to Cassidy?  : hi Bryan's mom, this is Cass's mother. I am so sorry about the texts my husband sent earlier  : it's nothing, don't you worry about it! 

[mahpaiam]

4 December 2023

It's already December and everything is so hard. I'm really sad. I've changed a lot but so many things are the same. I'm still running away from how much Bernardo hurt me. Even though it's almost been half a year ago. I'll get more into why that hurt me so bad. I've realized lots more about it.

I haven't written here in a long time -- I'll admit that. One part is due to how scared I am to relish in the thoughts about Bernardo. I think about him so much, you would think i'd be tired of it. I really just want to stop but I can't. I'm dying here. I think about what it'd be like if i saw him again, if I chose Berkeley. I think about a life where I'm prettier and he realizes he made a mistake. It's all in my head.

I actually feel like I'm dying right now. I checked his page today. I don't usually, it's maybe a once a week every few weeks. I'm good about it. I checked the comments for his post and saw a girl commenting heart hands. I remember when he first posted I checked her page for a boyfriend. Now he isn't there anymore, but he was. I then thought about why she would type that. Did they sleep together? I don't know. I started crying and thinking about how mean that was. How mean he was to me. It makes me hurt a lot.

I think the biggest takeaway I took from it was that someone looked at me, made me feel so great, and then discarded me after. I gave too much, I know that, I have a tendency to have my heart on my sleeve and my emotions as the first contact on my face. I gave him my heart on a platter like a stupid little girl and he took it and crushed it. I should have known. There was so much trauma I underwent with him and for a good while. It was a lot. I remember how I woke up looking and feeling like a corpse. I remember how the first thing I'd do was check his page. It was like his life was playing out, everyone's was playing out, somewhere out there and I was stagnant. I was having the worst summer at home. How he stopped texting me on my birthday. Awful.

This summer was so traumatic and I think about what I had to go through and just cry. I cry for so long. I think about how he made me hurt and how I, even now, would welcome him back. It's some sick part of me that's that way, I wish I could erase it. It's been months and I still can't forget about him and how he hurt me. I keep thinking the same questions, like there was something wrong with me in order for him to treat me like that. Analyzing the mystery, because I never got an answer. His silence was one but I'm just not good at taking hints. I don't know. I hate being hurt.

I think about all I went through at home, all alone. I feel so bad for that version of myself; how much she was cut open and laid bare.

Today is the Monday before finals week. I'm so tired from school and sick. My mother and I just got in a fight. I snapped at her because I was so mad that, although I'm a 20 year old, she steps into my room and interrogates me instantly on whether I'm doing something wrong or not. Like a child. We fight, I raise my voice because I'm upset and she doesn't understand, or try to. I hate being a 20 year old in my childhood home. I feel like a person who's overgrown their skin.

This finals season, I have a paper for gender and sexuality, a podcast + paper for gender and sexuality, a quiz and a final for public health, and finally two double exams in physics back to back. I don't know how I'll survive. But I'll get A's I think

[thedreadvampy]

ON THE PLUS SIDE

no thanks to her

Sam and I DID get a decision in principle today and we ARE looking at flats, and while this is a really shit situation and either way we will have to go through the whole rigmarole of trying to find a housemate on no notice, I'm genuinely really excited about the idea of us actually being in a position to buy a home.

like. both of us have spent most of our 20s in absolute shitholes, freezing cold and full of mould, constantly at risk of not being able to pay rent. we are millennials, after all. I love our flat and we'll never find something this spacious and central but it isn't ours and we can still be booted with a few weeks notice or have the rent shoot up. say, because our fucking housemate leaves with the bare minimum warning.

neither of us have ever lived in a home that we've not had to share with someone else. neither of us have ever had just like 'walk around naked' kind of This Is My Own Home vibes. we've always had to work with a third party present, often someone who we have to walk on eggshells with.

it would be. extremely nice. to own a house just with someone who I know well enough and trust enough to feel like it's my own home. I would really like to be in a position where we know what the monthly cost is, and will be for the foreseeable, and where we can't be suddenly evicted, and aren't answerable to a landlord. where if something breaks we can either focus out how to fix it or pay someone who'll ACTUALLY fix it rather than nail a board over it because that's the cheapest option. I want to put up shelves!!!! I want to paint my wall!!!! I want to make actual long term plans because I know we're going to live here for the foreseeable future! I want to take those conversations when we're hypothesising about what an ideal kitchen or bathroom would look like for us and be able to turn them into actionable long term plans! I want to do what I want in my own home without being accountable to a landlord who doesn't care about me but will take any excuse to take my money! If I spill dye on the floorboards or scuff a wall or dent a door I don't want that to be anyone's business except me and my partner's!

I want that! I want that stability!

And I don't think I 100% realised how much I want that until this shit happened and I had to confront that it's possible. Like we could have that, not in the Nebulous Future but imminently. And I know that a mortgage is still a huge financial commitment and I know you don't own the house the bank owns the house and I know it's still got all this friction and instability but it is such a different situation to renting. It's so much more stable. It's not stable like owning outright is stable but it's something permanent and as I'm coming out of a lifetime of survival-thinking into something resembling a stable and comfortable life I want that so much.

idk I'm really quite emotional about it. like my home growing up was mortgaged (and my parents were comfortably able to keep on top of that), but it was also, cause of The Stuff, largely a really uncomfortable, stressful place where I didn't really want to be. I lived in an empty house with my boyfriend on the weekend for about a year when I was 17-18 and it was awful and tense and unsafe. I lived in a Portakabin for a few months, then last-ditch student housing with strangers, then a student-let house, and then I was homeless for a bit, living out of a suitcase in Sam's flat that wasn't really suitable for two people, let alone three.

and then I lived in my first long term let for 6 years and honestly that in and of itself made such a difference that it was on a rolling contract. even though I was unemployed and desperately struggling and borrowing and begging to make rent every month and my poor housemate and friends had to cover for me for years. even though it was cold and mouldy and damp and there was a hole in the kitchen wall and IV drug users periodically passed out on our doorstep and I didn't know if they were still alive and there was literally not a scrap of sunlight or sky in the whole flat which made me so physically ill I was tired all the time and had constant migraines. but even with that it was the first time in my life I felt like I had an actual home that I could expand into.

and then I moved here during the pandemic and it's big and spacious and sunlit and within days of moving in my migraines and chest pain lifted. and I have plants and I can invite people over and have parties and offer people a bed for the night. but you know. It's still not mine. Because when you're renting there's always a timer on it. and because when you're living with a housemate who you're not in partnership with, there's shit outside your control. as per this.

but like it's hack but I've always been looking for a really reliable home. I remember thinking about it when I was a kid, and I thought and wrote a lot about it particularly when I was staying at Sam's - like a place where you not just feel safe, but you know you can make long term plans. like you can plant a tree now to harvest fruit in a decade. you can put up a shelf now while thinking about how it will suit with the kitchen counter you'll install in a few years. you can know that when you go away it'll be there when you come back. you know? you can have something that you're responsible for that you also have some measure of control over. that gives you back what you put in.

and I didn't really think I was going to have that. and I didn't really think I was going to have relationships that I trusted enough that I could move in with someone and still feel like I had that stability. and I do think that that's more realistic and tangible now than it's ever been before. we are 100% only going to be able to do this with some help, I'm inevitably going to be scrounging a loan of a few grand off my mum for solicitor's fees and moving costs of nothing else, but we can do this. I hope. I think.

and until we went to the mortgage advisor today I don't think it really felt real and I don't think I realised how much of a difference I think it would make. fuck. imagine having a stable home with someone you trust, like, forever. what the fuck.

My housemate is moving out in January

She told us this a week or two ago, when she sat down and, after sitting with us watching TV for over an hour, said "hey so I bought a house and I'm moving out. We agreed on 2 months notice so I won't move until the end of January."

The last time she talked in the immediate terms about buying a house was in 2021, when the sale she was working on fell though and she was unemployed so it was a "when I'm back in a position to look I'll start looking again." Since then I've occasionally asked her how she's doing on the house buying front and she's been like "oh I'm getting there financially" but hasn't mentioned anything concrete.

She didn't tell us she was looking at places. She didn't tell us she had put in an offer. She told us when the offer was finalised. A week AFTER she emailed the letting agent about getting out of her part of the lease. And, it increasingly feels like, only because the letting agent's response was that we had to agree to change the lease.

The letting agent's response (which our housemate obviously didn't copy us into; we had to follow up separately and they copied us into the email chain) also includes that when we change the lease, they're empowered to change the rent, quote, "no cap". Rent was already going up in January - there's no possibility of Sam and I paying her share of the rent.

The really fucking upsetting thing is we're not strangers. This isn't a casual "housemate we found on flatshare" thing. She and Sam have lived together literally their entire adult lives. Me and her have known each other well over a decade. I lived in her and Sam's flat when I was homeless. We were the first people she came out to as trans. We're not super close but I thought we were fucking friends. And she's literally gone out of her way to not talk to us about this for what must have been months while the sale completed - which means she's lied to my face at least once cause I've asked her about her finances in that time (cause she's in a job she hates that she only took to get the house money, so it's like. when we've been commiserating about work stuff I'm often asking 'are you almost free?'). she literally went out of her way to talk to the letting agents before talking to us about putting us in a situation where we could lose our fucking home.

And she keeps. trying. to pretend nothing's happened. Every time I've seen her since then she's not mentioned anything or apologised or anything, she just keeps chatting away and offering hugs and fistbumps like nothing's happened. Like we're still fucking friends.

All it would take for us to still be friends and to be happy for her would have been one fucking sentence in the groupchat like "hey, just put an offer in on a house" or "I'm looking at properties, just so you know, that might happen in the next few months". Like nobody begrudges her for buying a house! It's very cool for her! She's 31 she's worked really hard to get the money I would love to be happy for her! Unfortunately she decided avoiding conflict is more important than giving the people she fucking LIVES WITH (who btw fronted her a month on the rent here while she was unemployed and agreed to take on a larger proportion of the move-in cost back in 2021, if we're still holding ourselves to shit we said 2.5 years ago), so no, you are not entitled to our friendship or to going back to normal.

like if she'd been honest with us it would have been something to process but we'd have had time to figure out our next steps. instead she's left us in a position where we have to find a new roommate before she gives her one month notice, which means finding someone by the end of December, which oh look that's the middle of the fucking Christmas holidays. and she didn't tell us anything until the START of December, or copy us into her conversation with the letting agent, meaning we still don't know what the rent on that space will be so we aren't yet in a position to advertise it. Has she offered to help find a roommate? Has she fuck. Has she offered to help out by moving her move-out date? Nah, she's moving as soon as she gets the keys because, quote, "that means her finances won't have to change". SOUNDS LOVELY. NOT HAVING YOUR FINANCES SUDDENLY CHANGE. I THINK THAT SOUNDS LIKE A REALLY REASONABLE FUCKING GOAL.

Thirteen fucking years she's lived with Sam. Four fucking weeks over Christmas she's left us to figure out a way to not turbofuck our living situation. And she's got the fucking nerve to try and pretend we should be interacting like nothing's changed. Jesus Christ. What a fucking unhinged way to treat...anybody, honestly. never mind the friends-your-entire-adult-life part. literally cannot imagine a scenario in which I would buy a house without telling the people I lived with.

(haha actually this is what my parents divorced over so apparently it's not unusual. although at least my dad had the decency to tell the woman he shared finances with at the point he put in an offer not the point the fucking sale went through.)

Like we'll be fine. It's a huge city centre flat with decent rent and queer housemates, hopefully even when the rent goes up it'll be an easy sell in a city with a huge housing shortage and big queer community. We've got a couple of people interested already, sight unseen - worst case scenario we have to live with someone we don't get on with. And it's given Sam and me a push to look at our own finances and as of today, we've got a mortgage decision in principle and can start looking at flats in the area - mind, we'll be transparent upfront and tell any prospective housemates that yeah, we're looking to buy and move out in the next 6-12 months, and we'll tell them if we put an offer in, because we're decent fucking people who aren't going to spring that on someone out of the blue.

But it's been I think 2 weeks and I'm so fucking angry I could spit. It's such a fucking betrayal. And frankly you know selfishly like. I just had a breakup a couple of months ago, I'm in the middle of moving jobs, both me and Sam have a history of housing instability and this has been the first decent, stable, safe, not-mouldy not-freezing home I think any of us have had, and this is so fucking triggering and upscuttling I could just start biting. like I was talking to my friend about it last week and it's just like. Can I have One Fucking Thing of the three main tentpoles of survival - home, work, relationships - that are fucking stable right now? because shit has been In Flux lately. and at least the work and relationship stuff has changed because of my decisions. going through all that work to make myself short-term unstable to gain long-term stability has been really hard and draining and then just as I was reaching the crisis point with work stuff BOOM, IT'S HOUSING INSTABILITY WITH A STEEL CHAIR. fuck. seriously fuck this and fuck her. we're going to make something good come of it but what a deeply, unbelievably shitty thing to do.

[devoted-to-the-gods]

pushing through the depression to get assignments done, it feels like finals week even though it's still the start of the semester.

[queers-gambit]

Up and Out [ part two ]

part one: read here

prompt: ( requested ) weeks after Billy defended you against Neil, he feels safe enough to leave you at his house to run an errand with Max. when Neil and Susan return unexpectedly, things go sideways and it's up to you to defuse the time bomb that is Billy Hargrove's anger.

pairing: Billy Hargrove x female!reader

fandom masterlist: Stranger Things

collection masterlist: Poisoned Apple

word count: 4.8k

warnings: barely edited, cursing, abuse, Neil Hargrove, physical aggression, threats, uh - very very loose outline of "handling" domestic abuse. i don't even know anymore.

"Are you sure?"

I sighed again, turning from the stove to pin Billy with an unamused look as Max crossed her arms and rocked on her feet. "Billy," I spoke calmly, "nobody's home, and you said yourself, your parents aren't coming home for another three days."

"I know, but you could come with me," he sighed, leaning against the doorway. "Max can handle shit here. But turn the stove off, and whatever else."

"This is why Max is going with you and not me," I chuckled, reaching for the tea towel to wipe my hands as Billy shifted. "She knows what we need from the store, you're just the mule, baby."

"Oh, ha-ha," Billy mocked, rolling his eyes some as Max snickered. "All right, but how important is this?"

This time, I glared. "You're the one who wanted me to cook."

"Yeah, but I didn't plan on leaving you alone here," Billy perked a brow.

"Oh, afraid I'm gonna snoop?" I chuckled, leaning back on the counter. "The longer you fight this, the longer it's gonna take. Baby, I'm not leaving the kitchen, you're good to leave for, what?" I glanced at Max, who had the list in her pocket. "20 minutes?"

She shrugged, "Maybe 25 at most."

"Oh, scary numbers!" I grinned back at Billy with a look of fake horror. "C'mon," I laughed when he rolled his eyes, pushing off the counter to approach him and wrap my arms around his waist.

I heard Max mutter a quiet, "Nope," as she passed us to exit the kitchen, calling over her shoulder, "Send him out when you're done!"

I smiled at Billy as his arms moved to wrap around my shoulders almost begrudgingly, his taller frame allowing his arms to all but drape off of me. "Baby, it's fine."

"You know I just don't like leaving you here," he muttered as the front door closed upon Max' departure.

"I know," I nodded in understanding. "But that's why we said today was an okay day, right? You're off work," I smiled, "and your parents aren't home, and Max is willing to learn a couple of moves in the kitchen. It's nice," I squeezed his waist, seeing a smile tug begrudgingly onto his face.

"All right," he relented, making me squeal in victory. "But we're moving ass and will be here in 15."

"You're going to drive max twelve over the speed limit and get here when you get here," I argued, pointing a warning finger at him, recoiling slightly when his jaw snapped over air. "Hey now, save that for later."

He smirked, "Nah, you agreed that if I played nice tonight, I could tie your hands up after all this, right?"

I sighed comically, "Yeah, I suppose I said that. But I can alter the terms of our deal if you keep Max waiting any longer."

"You wouldn't."

I took hold of his wrist and swiveled myself against his chest while turning his watch so I could see. "I'm giving you... 30 seconds to get out that door before terms are being altered..."

"Wait, hang on," he whined lowly, nuzzling into my neck, "Max can wait a minute, right? We're alone, pretty girl, haven't been all day."

"You can survive," I giggled when his other arm wrapped around my waist tightly, his lips pressing repeated kisses to my neck. Having slight mercy, I amended, "All right, you get one full minute before you have to be gone!"

"Fair enough," he groaned, hearing the watch beep as the minute began and turning me to face him. I gasped when he pushed me back into the slim wall of the kitchen, hands almost pressing bruises into my waist as his mouth seared into mine - stealing my breath.

Kissing Billy was always exciting; tongue and teeth moving in a sinful dance that left lips swollen, puckered, (and sometimes bleeding). His tongue was a hound, searching for my own to wetly slide against one another as he pressed his body into mine.

He subtly checked his watch, my hands pulling up to the nape of his neck and threading my fingers through his hair before locking my fingers around his tresses to tug suddenly.

Billy groaned wantonly into my mouth, pulling down before away, "Got 30 seconds, baby."

"Better use it and get gone," I smirked, letting him press another kiss to my lips - a little slower, softer, and in his control.

He chuckled as his hand snaked under my sundress to palm my cheeks, earning a small squeal, "I'll be back soon."

"Drive safe," I nodded, breathing against his lips as I kissed him in parting, nodding as I patted his chest. "Go, goodbye, I love you."

"Take your panties off," he instructed when he pulled back and grabbed his keys off the counter. "Want you in my room when we get back for a quickie."

"No chance in hell, you horndog," I scoffed, pushing his chest away from me completely as he checked his watch again. "Go before I decided to switch the entire deal."

Billy groaned as he slipped out the door; it shutting just as I faintly heard his watch beep in ending. I paused for a few seconds, hearing Billy call in victory through the closed door, "It counts!"

I laughed, shaking my head and turned back for the counter space. It didn't take long to hear Billy pulling off and the silence of the Hargrove / Mayfield home to surround me. Staying true to my word, I didn't snoop and only left the kitchen to pee before washing my hands and returning to my station.

I might've even turned the radio on dimly to produce something in the background. It was around minute 14 (not that I was counting) when I heard two car doors in the driveway.

Not bothering to wonder why I didn't hear the roar of Billy's engine, I figured either something was forgotten or they were just really fucking fast.

However, when the front door opened and I wasn't greeted immediately by Billy calling, "Baby!", I felt the hair on the back of my neck stand on end.

Not a moment later, the door slammed chillingly and I heard thuds of bags being set down. I lifted my chin in knowing when footsteps lumbered towards the kitchen; gulping when a sickening voice leered, "Well, well, well... Lookie here."

Glancing to my right, I clocked the distant knife and turned subtly against the counter to face Neil; trying to shift my weight and feet towards the knife. "Neil," I sighed, wiping my hands on the tea towel from my shoulder, "what're you doing here?"

"Funny, little lady, 'cause I was about to ask you the same," Neil smirked, wagging a finger at me as he stepped into the kitchen.

"Billy and Max - "

"Obviously aren't here," he sneered, "since those two stick to you like flies on shit, don't they?"

I sighed, "They'll be back soon. I thought you and Susan went on a vacation."

He scoffed, rolling his eyes, "Yeah, some fucking vacation."

I furrowed my brows, glancing out into the dining room to see Susan cradling a casted-arm; indicating a break to a bone. "Oh, shit," I breathed.

"Mhm, 'oh, shit,'" Neil mocked. He turned for the refrigerator and pulled a beer out.

"D-Do you need something, um, Mrs. Hargrove?" I asked her, trying to understand what the fuck was happening.

"She don't need shit," Neil snapped. "Just spent the better half of the day in the fucking Emergency Room where she got all she needed."

"And, uh... How did this injury occur?"

Neil whipped around, swallowing the mouthful of beer, "What did you say?"

"I only asked what happened?" I repeated.

"Called it, 'an injury'."

"That's what she is, Mr. Hargrove, your wife is injured and I was asking number one, if she needed anything, and two, what happened. Is that no longer allowed?"

Neil straightened his spine, "I don't like your tone, girl."

"Neil, it's fine," Susan tried.

"No, no," Neil growled, "'cause there's nothing acceptable with what's been happening. You," he pointed at me, "have got my boy's head on backwards."

"I promise you, Billy's seeing clearly for the first time," I snapped. "Not because of me, or whatever, but because he's realizing you're just a piece of shit he doesn't have to tolerate."

"Neil," Susan tried.

"You've got some nerve," the older man seethed.

"You put your hands on me and I won't be able to stop Billy's reaction," I warned, understanding there was nowhere for me to go.

"I don't need to put my hands on you," he sneered.

"No? Only your son, then?" I snapped. "And possibly your wife now that Billy's not your fucking punching bag, is that it?"

"NEIL DON'T!"

I grunted and whimpered when the man surged across the kitchen, beer splattering to the floor for him to casually (and almost routinely) step over to step right in front of me. My hands wrapped like vices around his wrists as he all too easily grabbed me by my upper arms and shook violently, "What did you say to me!?" Neil hollered, red in the face; spit spraying across my cheek as I turned my head. "You know what you are? Nothing but a whore," he sneered, "and you've done enough to my boy! Hear me?" He squeezed tighter, shaking me again. With my arms crossed against my chest to hold his wrists and head turned, he took this as a submissive pose to continue in rage. "You're gonna leave him alone. Hear me? Boy won't listen to me no more, that's fine. He sure as shit don't need no loud mouth, no good whore tellin' him what to do. You don't know him," Neil seethed, breath fanning across my skin, "and you don't understand him. You'll leave him alone, you hear me? Leave. My boy. Alone!"

I whimpered and wrangled in his hold, "Billy's his own man, but you wouldn't recognize that since you're not one yourself!"

"You little bitch," Neil seethed.

"Hittin' your kid," I listed, "doin' God knows to your wife! Some man you are, huh?!"

"Neil!"

The sounds of Billy's engine was heard down the street, my eyes glaring into his, "If you know what's good for you, and for him... You'll leave my boy alone. And Maxine. You'll leave them both alone."

"You'll find they might have an issue with that," I sneered, sighing hotly when he pushed me back into the counter and let go. My hands fell away from his wrists, watching him glare and point a finger at me.

"You're no good for him," he panted. "And if he hears about this, see what I can do. I won't be as restrained if you wanna keep playing this game, little girl."

"Unlike you, I don't see people's emotions as a game," I snipped, trying to regulate my breathing to not give way to my fear.

"Clean this shit up," he snapped, looking over at Susan as Billy's car was heard much louder. "Let's go, Susan."

She bowed her head in shame and followed him with her suitcase (in her good hand) towards the bedroom. I panted and squatted low to the floor, trying to think in my head what the fuck just happened. Fear prickled my skin and I looked to my arms to find them slightly swollen from Neil's suppressing-grip.

Billy would know something was up but I needed to cover my arms and given the warm weather, I didn't have a sweater. But Billy did, right?

Dashing to his bedroom after hearing Neil shut his and Susan's bedroom door, I ripped open his closet and scanned the contents. Baby boy didn't have a lot of options but he had a few and I was yanking a draw-string hoodie from a hanger and trying to wrangle myself into it and get back into the kitchen in time.

I was not successful.

"Uh, baby?" Billy's voice called from the doorway, my wide eyes meeting his curious ones. "The hell's going on?"

"I was cold," I blurted out, still trying to pull the fucking thing on that just seemed to refuse to cooperate.

"Mhm... And the beer in the kitchen's... Yours?" He stepped into the room, turning to shut his door.

"Don't!" I yelped, his furrowed expression meeting my wild one. "You can't leave Max alone out there," I rushed to explain.

"Baby, what the hell's going on?"

"I um... I think I have to go, okay? No big deal - "

"Where's Neil and Susan?" He asked, watching my eyes widen. "I saw their car, pretty girl, c'mon. What'd he say? He say anything to you?"

"Um, yeah, no, no, yeah, I just you know - I just, I should go," I nodded, straightening his hoodie over my sundress before trying to move around him for the door.

"Nah, hold up," Billy paused me, hands reaching for my upper arms. I didn't realize how sore they'd be so soon and whined with a flinch when his hands made contact; eyes filling with panicked tears as his own reflected confusing panic. "Hey, hey, I'm not gonna hurt you, sweetheart."

"I know," I rushed. "But I um... I just, I have to go, Billy."

"Sweetheart, nah, wait a second and hang on," Billy paused by reaching for my hips, curious when I didn't flinch this time and drew me into his embrace. "You wanna tell me what's got you all upset?"

"I'm okay - "

"You're not, pretty girl, just tell me why. Is it Neil?"

I whimpered and pressed into his chest, feeling a few tears leak out. "I'm okay," I repeated a few times, squeezing his waist as his hands raked up and down my back. "Just a little upset, but I'm okay."

"What upset you?" He wondered. "C'mon, ma, I can't help you if you don't talk to me. Right? Isn't that what you're always saying to me?"

I chuckled, nodding, "It is."

"So, c'mon, pretty girl, talk to me," he sighed.

"I just... Can we leave?" I pulled back to look up at him. "Please? W-We can go to my place or something, but I just want to get out of here."

This made Billy suspicious, "Something happen while we were gone?"

"Billy," I begged in a whisper.

"Baby, listen to me," he shook his head, hands rising to cradle my cheeks so his thumbs could wipe the flow of tears, "I need you to be honest. He put his hands on you? Did he touch you?'

"Billy," I sobbed, unable to look into those beautiful blues.

"I'll fucking kill him - "

"No," I gasped when he pulled back.

"NEIL!" Billy raged, my arms catching around his waist to bare slow him down as he approached his father's bedroom door. "YOU PUT YOUR HANDS ON HER, YOU PIECE OF SHIT!?"

"Billy, I swear to God," I panted, trying to pull him back. I caught a glimpse of red. "Max, stay back," I warned.

"COME HERE, YOU FUCKING COWARD! FACE ME!"

"Billy," I begged, moving around him to push at his stomach as he still raged forward. "C'mon, baby, let's just go. See? This is why I wanted to go."

"Why?" He snapped. "So I wouldn't break his fucking neck?"

"Exactly that," I panted still, whining lowly as I strained to push against solid muscle. "Christ, you know, usually I'm all for you working out but for fuck's sake! C'mon, don't!"

"NEIL! I'LL FUCKING KILL YOU - I PROMISED IF YOU TOUCHED HER I WOULD!"

"This isn't worth it, Billy, c'mon!" I begged again. "You'll get locked up for beating him to death and then what?" I snapped. "Huh? I gotta visit you in jail, jackass! Go, c'mon," I whined, pushing still as he budged a step. "Walk away, walk away, baby, this isn't worth it. I promise you, it's not worth it, c'mon, walk away, baby, please."

"Nah, I gotta fix this - right fucking now - NEIL - "

"No, no, no, new rule," I panted, still shoving him back with my full weight. "I'm not coming over here anymore, okay? No more encounters, we won't risk it. This was a fluke, baby, a fluke, but we're not leaving room for other errors. C'mon, c'mon," I managed to back him down the hall. "Max is watching, don't make her watch, and Susan's hurt - "

"My mom's hurt?" Max demanded as I finally got Billy to stand still.

"Uh, yeah, she... She uh, came home with a broken arm." Max's enraged eyes turned to Billy. "We don't know what happened, please, just - everyone cool off, okay?"

"He hurt my mom," Max pointed out.

"I know, but we should go to the police, okay? Hopper's a pretty good chief, I know him from poker nights."

"What - "

"Where do you think I am every other Wednesday?" I waved Billy off. "We'll all go get in the car and go see Hopper, okay? We'll do this the legal way, and even if your mom," I looked at Max, "doesn't want to press charges, I will."

"Woah, hang on a second, pretty girl." Billy shook his head. "The hell does that mean?"

"You asked if he put his hands on me?" Billy nodded slowly, like he wasn't sure he wanted the answer. "He did... And if you take me now, I can go file a report and that jackass can be outta here by nightfall."

Max looked at Billy, "We can't leave my Mom!"

"We can't leave you, either," I pointed out. "And I sure as shit am not staying here, and Billy's not allowed to stay 'cause he'll kill Neil. Like, actually."

"Let him," Max sighed.

"No, 'cause then you and me, Little Miss, are subservient to prison visitations and no justice is served. We go this route with Hopper, Neil will go to jail. Even for a bit from what he did to me, he'll be outta here. Susan can decide what she wants to do from there."

"You got it like that with the chief of police?" Max scoffed, crossing her arms and offering a look of indigence.

"If he wants his watch back next poker night, yeah," I nodded, "he'll make sure this happens how we need it to."

Billy ran a hand down his face, "We can't leave Susan."

"He's in there with her," I pointed out. "No way of getting to her with alerting him to what we're doing."

"How far is the station?" Max asked.

"Not far," Billy nodded, "if we go, right now."

"Hey," I grabbed his wrist when he moved to tug his denim jacket back on, "I-I'm so sorry - "

"What?" he snapped. "Why're you apologizing?"

"I didn't help the situation," I sighed.

"You did nothing to deserve whatever the hell he did," Billy assured, moving to cradle my jaw in his hand. "I shouldn't've left you, and that's my fault. Can you tell us what happened in the car?"

"Can you drive like a normal person?"

He sighed, "I can try to. Baby, it'll only take me a minute to handle him - "

"I love you, Billy," I interrupted, feeling emotion swell in my eyes. "And I want a future with you, but that can't happen if I let you go fucking kill your father. Please, please, let's just go to Hopper. Please, Billy, we can handle this swiftly and quietly, nobody has to know."

"I don't care about that - I want him to pay for what he did to you!"

"He will," I breathed. "Baby, he will. Don't underestimate Hopper, please."

Billy looked ready to argued before nodding slowly, sighing hotly, "Fine, let's just - let's go."

It didn't take long to get to the police station. And when I walked in with Billy and Max at my flank, Callahan looked over nosily as I all but barged into Jim Hopper's office.

He dully looked up through a thick cloud of smoke from the cigarette that hung limply from his lips. Once I ushered the others in and slammed the door, he perked up, "This doesn't feel like a social visit..."

"It's not," I breathed, wrangling the sweatshirt from my frame. I paused when Billy's sharp inhale sent ice into the pit of my stomach; knowing his father's hands had left bruises already from their intense grasp. "We'd like to report a crime or something?"

"Or something?"

"It's domestic, Jim, we want to keep it quiet."

Hopper sat up in interest, "And they're involved... How?"

"It's," I paused to look at Max with pity before over at Billy, his eyes already glazed over, "it's their father. He, uh... He grabbed me, and they'd like to attest to other acts of physical violence. There's reason for us to believe he's abusing his wife - she now has a broken arm."

"This is... Very serious, kids."

"We know," I assured. "Which is why we came here, to you. We need to be taken seriously."

Jim Hopper nodded, waving us forward, "Come tell me what happened... In detail."

I gulped, nodding at Billy as Max shied away towards the back of the office. It left Billy and I to lead the conversation with Hopper, who, as I assumed, sent a squad car to collect Susan and Neil.

Once separated, Susan came clean about her own accounts of abuse and Neil was booked to the jail. It was a long process that took most of the night and Billy let Susan and Max in his car before putting me in the passenger to drive us home.

He was silent the whole time.

Pensive.

Unsure.

Nervous.

Susan took Max to bed that night, letting her curl up with her mama as I took Billy in his room. Once alone, he just lowered himself to the floor in front of his bed; knees bending slightly as his eyes cleared themselves of any emotion and looked more closer to detached.

"Baby?" I sighed, sitting beside him and wrapping my arms around his denim-covered one. "Baby, hey?" I whispered, waiting until he turned his head. "You've been sitting here for 15 minutes, I'm starting to worry a little, my love. D-Do you want to be alone?"

His head shook, looking like words died on his tongue.

"Do you want to get in bed?" I was careful in my words and tone.

"What the hell just happened?"

I sighed, "Your father put his hands on me, you came home, threatened to kill him, let me convince you to go to the cops instead, and we got Jim Hopper on the case. Susan confessed to her own account of abuse from Neil, and it was enough in combination with our stories to book him. Okay? He's in jail," I reminded. "He's in jail, and he can't hurt you anymore. He'll never hurt you again, Billy..."

He looked panicked, "N-No, no, no, n-now I-I'm - no, baby, now it's on me - it's on me."

"Hey," I nodded, reaching for his cheeks and meeting his eyes, "you're okay, and the only thing we have to do is what we're already doing. Nothing more, nothing less. We've got this."

"I-I'm it," he shook his head. "T-The man of the house - "

"You are still a boy," I argued, "and are not expected to just step right into his father's place. Please, Billy, just get in bed with me. It really happened, my love, but you need sleep."

He nodded, brows crinkled and eyes tinted red from suppressed emotion, "Sleep?"

"Sleep," I agreed softly; reaching out to gently let my fingernails scrap over his skin as I slowly pushed hair behind his ear.

"Will you stay with me? Please, baby, I'm so - "

"Hey, hey, I'm not leaving you," I promised. "But how about we get your shoes and jacket off at least?"

"I just," he paused, "baby, it really happened. He's really gone, right? He's gone? It's done?"

"He's gone, my sweet," I nodded in agreement. "You're safe now, all right? He's not gonna hurt you again, and you're never gonna be alone. I know they're not the family you wouldn't chose, but Susan and Max are the family that's gonna support you now."

"It feels too easy," he whispered.

"Sometimes it can," I admitted. "But not everyone is as lucky like us."

"I get that," he nodded. "Fuck - I just, it's happening."

"It is, sweet boy," I smiled. "And it's gonna change everything, but you're gonna be safe."

"Fuck," Billy breathed, looking purely shocked and confused. "I just - "

"Hey, no, no, you don't have to think right now," I assured. "Let's just get in bed, okay? We've still got a couple of hours before sunrise, okay? Just get in bed with me."

"Yeah," Billy whispered, "yeah, okay, yeah."

It didn't take long for either of us to strip; Billy crashing to bed with the window cracked and the ashtray balanced on the windowsill while in nothing but his boxers. I took a second or two longer to just look at him as he lit up his cigarette before joining him in bed.

"Are you okay?" I whispered after a few minutes of silent smoking, careful not to let the ash fall over his bare chest.

"I don't know yet."

"I'll ask in a few days," I tried to sound amused but he only looked pensive. "Hey," I whispered, waiting until his eyes found mine, "how's about you and me go camping this weekend?"

It made his brows crinkle deeper, "What?"

I shrugged, "Yeah, just you and me alone in the woods for two days."

"I've never been camping," he admitted.

"Oh, you're in luck," I beamed. "My brother was a Boy Scout, so, we went on a lot of family-friendly Scout Troop camping trips."

He chuckled, "So, you're a pro, aren't you?"

"Oh, totally," I grinned. "Might even get your ass to go fishing. Like a real country boy, hmm?"

He let out a long breath, "Yeah, uh... Sounds kinda nice."

"I'm just trying to help get your mind off all this, baby."

"I know, doll," he smiled slightly, flexing his arm to bring me closer so his lips could pucker a few wet kisses to my cheek. "You're God sent, you know that?"

"Billy," I whined.

"Nah, I'm serious," he chuckled, looking over to set the cigarette down to smolder in the ashtray before rolling over onto me. "You, my beautiful, smart girl, are sent by God himself. You've gotta be."

I sighed, "Maybe with Neil gone you'll start to see how much you're worth."

"Maybe. But I don't know, I think I shine pretty brightly with you."

"I couldn't agree more," I laughed, reaching up for his cheeks. "I'm sorry it came down to this, but I'm glad I was able to be here with you for all of this."

"I just... I knew something felt weird leavin' you. I didn't want to. And you got hurt 'cause I didn't trust my gut - so, from now on, we're listening."

I chuckled, "All right, next time your gut wants to speak up, we'll do our best to listen."

"Good, all right," he sighed, pausing to look over my face with skittish eyes. "I'm so sorry you had to go through that. I just - I promise I'll protect you when I can. But for fuck's sake, I'm sorry for leaving you."

Knowing his guilt was clouding better judgement, I assure, "I forgive you. It's okay, I don't blame you, I love you, and I know it's not gonna happen again. You're about to be really clingy, aren't you?" I couldn't help but giggle, reaching to gently boing one of his forehead curls.

"You know it, sweetheart," he chuckled. "There's no reason for you to go anywhere without me, you know?"

"I have an OB appointment this week, wanna go to that?"

"I don't know what that is, but I'm game."

I could only laugh, "Okay, can we nap please?"

Billy sighed, moving to drop onto the bed beside me. He reached for the cigarette again, taking a sharp inhale. "Hey," he whispered, looking down at me when I curled back under his chin.

"Hmm?"

"I love you."

I smiled against his chest, "Yeah, love you, too, baby boy."

And as we both laid to settle in for the night, I couldn't help but think back to Neil's words and how wrong he was. I did know Billy, I did understand him, and I felt something click into place in my heart when I settled on the idea that I'd never stop trying to understand him. No matter the damage Neil tried to inflict, I knew that with time and compassion, Billy would break free of the binds his father tied him in and he'd require understanding as he settled into his new life.

Turns out, I've got plenty to give to this boy.

[jekacatrina]

I know the way home

Hi! Finally I could finish the third part of the Spiderdeku fic! Remember that this is part of the Spiderman AU series, so check out the first two, just for context! And since I'm having some issues with the ao3 link, you can check it out here if you want!

Izuku was tearing at the seams; he tried keeping himself together, but the only thing holding him in place was his suit. Almost a week had passed since his friend rescued him from the symbiote, and Izuku still had no idea where he was.

Spiderman had a duty to the people he swore to protect and save, but what about his responsibility towards Kacchan? When he failed, he wasn’t the one who got hurt. The people around him, those close to him, were the ones who paid the price.

His friend had sacrificed himself to save Izuku from his own stupidity and recklessness, and while Spiderman continued on saving the civilians, Midoriya Izuku couldn’t focus on anything but getting Kacchan back.

It had been days of barely any rest; he slept when he collapsed from exhaustion, and he berated his body for those few precious hours he lost when he could have been scouting the city. Izuku was surviving through energy bars and what he did with his wounds could barely be called treatment. His well being was the last thing on his mind.

Maybe that’s why he was losing the fight.

A bunch of guys with weapons thinking they could get away with robbing a truck full of money. Spiderman should have been enough to handle them, but he was slow, and the fight escalated because the police kept getting in the way and Izuku had to fight the robbers while shoving officers out of the crossed fire.

He felt sluggish and out of it, like the fight was happening to someone else. Still, Izuku swung, evading a rain of bullets, and flipped on top of a police car.

“Let me handle this!” he shouted, using a web to drag a police officer away from the line of sight of the robbers. “Hide behind the cars!”

They ignored them. Police usually didn’t cooperate with Spiderman, but today it seemed they decided to not only overlook whatever he said, but actively made things harder for him and try to get themselves killed.

Between the sound of multiple calls for backup rose around the cluster of police cars, people’s screams and the blaring of sirens, Izuku could barely hear his thoughts, let alone talk sense into the anyone involved.

He got so distracted by the civilians coming to see the fight that a bullet grazed his arm, and Izuku slipped off the car, hitting his face and falling onto the street, in the space between the truck and the police cars surrounding it. He clutched the wound, shaking off the pain.

“ SOMETHING IS HEADING YOUR WAY !” a voice yelled from one of the radios. Izuku tried to pinpoint from where the warning was coming, but the noise was too loud. “ DO YOU COPY?! WE DON’T KNOW WHAT THE HELL IS THAT THING! ”

Thing? He was in no shape to handle another attack, but whatever was coming, Izuku could hear it already. He clutched his wounded arm, shooting a web to trap a robber’s gun against the wall of the truck when he tried to shoot him again.

Roars and the tales of destruction rose, and yet his spider sense stayed quiet. It wasn’t alerting him of any imminent danger, but he had never been this worn out before. The police stopped shooting, turning back with yells of alarm. Izuku hastily climbed over the hood of a car to face the threat, turning his back on the robbers, and watched in stunned silence as the symbiote ran at full speed towards him, the feet and claws cracking the pavement whenever it fell to all fours.

Izuku froze.

He had to fight, there was no doubt about it, but he couldn’t move a finger, not when he didn’t know if Kacchan was inside, still in the symbiote’s control. His body rebelled against attacking with every cell, so Spiderman remained still, expecting the collision.

“Kac-” he started to say when his spider sense fired up, and glanced over his shoulder in time to see one of the robbers raise his gun.

The symbiote flew over him, landing between them and spreading out in a black web, covering Izuku from the bullets. With a flick of its arm, a black tendrils shot out and wrapped it around the man, yanking him out of the truck with a vicious tug and slamming him against the pavement. Izuku gasped at the display of brutality. Two more robbers dropped their weapons, hands up in surrender, but the symbiote didn’t care. It grabbed them and clashed them against each other, knocking them unconscious and tossing them carelessly aside.

Izuku limped to their bodies, pressing his fingers on their necks and breathing in relief when he felt the flutter of a heartbeat.

The robbers were taken care of but the symbiote wasn’t pausing his attacks. It roared, using his fists to smash the hood of a car, while the police officers were doing their best to clear out the zone, all lost in the face of the newcomer.

Izuku got painstakingly to his feet as it grabbed a police car and lifted it over its head, ripping it in two like an oversized toy. The symbiote hurled one half, and Izuku fired two webs, pulling back for impulse and flying in the direction of it. He landed just before it destroyed the wall of a store, catching it with a huff and setting it down.

He ran back, using the hoods and tops of the cars as steps to gain speed, and with a flip he was behind the symbiote. He managed to cling to the bumper of the car, yanking it back before it threw it. The symbiote glanced over its shoulder, baring its teeth and Izuku planted his feet firmly on the ground as they engaged in a tug war. With shock, he realized it was stronger than him.

Izuku had to change tactics, letting go of the car and sliding under the arch of the symbiote’s legs, attacking from the bottom. He pushed himself up with the palms of his hands, so he could kick the car from its grip, catching the symbiote off guard. He shot webs hastily, creating a net for it and avoiding any harm to the people.

The symbiote didn’t take too kindly to that; the tendrils spread out, sticking to the rest of the vehicles, making the few bystanders cry out and fall to their knees with their hands over their heads.

“No! Stop it! You’re going to hurt someone!” Izuku jumped on it, wrapping his legs around the waist and hooking his arms in front of its chest. The symbiote growled, reaching back and gripping his head with one hand.

Izuku was forcibly ripped from its back and dangled in front of the symbiote by the head, shaking him back and forth with force, snapping the rows of teeth and hissing. Izuku clutched his wrist with his two hands, kicking the air uselessly.

“Fight it, Spiderman!” Someone shouted from the crowd.

Spiderman always fought back and he never gave up; he would kick free, web it and trap it, but Izuku couldn’t. Not when he knew Kacchan had to be there. He remembered Toshinori-san telling him the symbiote ate through anything that wasn’t compatible, but Izuku was sure Kacchan had to be okay.

There was no way on Earth Izuku wouldn’t feel something break irreparably in his soul if he was gone. He just had to reach him.

“Kacchan,” he said, barely loud enough to be heard over the sirens and shouts. “It’s okay, I’m here,” Izuku squeezed its wrist, not to free himself but as a reassurance. “I’m so sorry I failed you,” the white eyes blinked owlishly and the mouth closed, keeping the fangs out of sight. “I want to go home, Kacchan, just you and me,” the hand holding his head like a grape reduced the force of the grip. “Please, let’s go home, Kacchan,” slowly, the other hand came up to circle his waist, holding up his weight as it let go of his head, the slimmy palm coming to rest on his hips as well, securing him in its hands.

The symbiote lowered Izuku to the ground gently, and he fought back the tears when the black palm cupped his face tenderly. Izuku stared up at it; the eyes might have been white, but he knew who he was looking at. Kacchan was still inside it and whatever happened from now on, they could tackle it together.

“Surround it!” The police formed a circle around them.

“No!” Izuku screamed, turning and spreading his arms to shield Kacchan. “He’s not going to hurt you!”

“Fire!”

They didn’t care Spiderman was in the way, but the symbiote did, enveloping him in the black mass and for a second all Izuku saw was darkness. He was back in that church again, useless to protect his best friend as he struggled to save him. Izuku was getting carried away by the panic when a familiar hand reached for him in the midst of all, interlocking their fingers. Izuku clutched it tight, holding onto Kacchan as the symbiote fled the scene.

At some point the black substance shifted, moving Izuku until he was out and clinging to its back. New York flew past them, buildings disappearing as the symbiote ran over rooftops, the cars were honking under them and the city lights were casting a glow on them while the powerful limbs of the symbiote carried them to his apartment.

Soon, they were climbing the side of his building. Izuku went through his window first, tumbling back when the symbiote followed him in. Izuku put some distance between them, and yanked the mask off his face. Blood was smeared all over his nose and mouth, and a black finger came to wipe it softly.

“Is- Kac- He’s still in there?” His voice broke multiple times. “Is Kacchan still alive?” The symbiote nodded. “Let me see him,” he ordered and the symbiote snapped his teeth at him. “Do that again and I’ll show you what webs taste like,” Izuku squared up his shoulders, prepared to destroy his apartment to wrestle Kacchan out if necessary. “Let. Me. See. Him.” He enunciated every word with all the fury he felt and all the hopelessness of days without knowing whether he had lost one of the most important people in his life.

After a slow blink, the black substance started to retreat. The figure shrank, and Izuku caught the first glimpses of a pair of brown dress shoes, then the slender hands and the leather bracelets his friend had worn on his wrist since he was a teenager, biting into them whenever he was anxious. The wild blond hair appeared and, with a final sound of suction, the symbiote was gone and Kacchan was standing in front of Izuku, bags under his eyes and cracked lips, but he was here.

He was alive and whole, and within touching distance.

Izuku was tackling him before he thought twice about the state in which both of them were. His friend crumbled under their combined weight, falling to his knees as Izuku sat on his lap and threw his arms around him, hiding his face on the crook of his neck.

“Deku,” his voice sounded scratchy and garbled, but it was definitely him. “It’s okay, I’m here, nerd.” It didn’t escape him that Kacchan used the same words he had said to the symbiote.

So Midoriya Izuku, friendly neighbor Spiderman, the man who had been punched, stung, scratched, burned, thrown off buildings, through walls and windows, and crashed over all types of surfaces, couldn’t take the pain anymore and broke down in sobs.

He fisted Kacchan’s dirty shirt and wailed, uncaring of his neighbors. His friend pressed them closer, making shushing noises. Izuku kept whispering apologies into his neck, soaking his shoulder with his tears. He felt as if his chest was cracked open, vulnerable, like he could protect Kacchan inside it if they just hugged hard enough.

“I couldn’t find you,” he hiccuped. “I looked everywhere but there was no trace of you.”

“I don’t even know where I was,” Kacchan replied, resting his cheek on the top of his curls. “I remember leaving you on the floor of that church, after that there’s only darkness.” Izuku moved back to watch his face, sniffling loudly and wiping the tears from his eyelashes. “Then I heard a broadcast? I don’t know what the fuck it was, but they were talking about you. They said you were biting the dust, and suddenly we were running back to the city.” Kacchan scrunched up his nose in confusion. “I had to get back to you, I had to help in some way, that’s all that mattered. I must have lost control again once the fight began. Then you started talking and it wasn’t spiderman who I was fighting, it was you, dumb Deku,” he pinched his cheek lightly.

“I was terrified you weren’t there anymore,” Izuku confessed, taking his hands between his. “I don’t know what I would have done if you-” he rested his forehead on top of their joined hands, incapable of finishing his train of thought. “Is it hurting you?”

“No, we’re compatible,” Kacchan’s cheeks were a little pink. Izuku couldn’t blame him; they didn’t do this, touch so intimately and freely. “They’re a mass of anger and complicated feelings obsessed with you, we’re basically a match made in Heaven.”

“Obsessed with me?” Izuku repeated, cracking his first smile in days.

“Ugh, shut the fuck up, would you?” Kacchan looked away, blushing to his ears.

Izuku laughed, and took his hands up to his mouth, kissing his knuckles and reveling in Kacchan’s small gasp. He was crossing so many lines, but he was brave because this was Kacchan.

“Are we-? Can you-?” Izuku fumbled with his words, he didn’t want to outright say if they were getting rid of it. “Is it staying?”

“We have some sort of a deal,” Kacchan said. “They don’t make me kill people and I don’t let them shrivel and die like a loser parasyte.” A black tendril came out of his shoulder and flicked his forehead hard. “Oi, you fucker! I’m just reminding you of the terms!”

“Them?”

“Their name is Venom,” Kacchan said.

“They talk to you?” Izuku hadn’t heard a word the entire time he was the host.

“Not a lot, mostly I catch their emotions,” he explained.

“I’m sorry, Kacchan,” Izuku muttered. “You did this to save me.”

“Hey, look at me, Deku,” Kacchan gripped his chin and trapped Izuku under his red stare. “You didn’t make me do shit, nobody makes me do shit,” he declared, as if Izuku hadn’t known that since they were kids. “I told your mom I would always look out for you sorry ass. So it doesn’t matter whether you can throw a bus over my head, you’re still a damn Deku and I’m not sorry I chased after you into that church. Hell, I would do it all again in a heartbeat.” Kacchan sighed, rubbing a side of his face. “I’m... I’m not thrilled, but I’m going to be okay. Do you believe me?” Izuku nodded; there were just a few things certain in his life. Kacchan’s resilience was one of them. “Good, besides, this way I can follow you, wherever you go. Finally get your ass out of trouble.”

For the first time since Izuku saw the symbiote running to him, he allowed himself to think about the speed and strength displayed. Kacchan was already a force to be reckoned with, but this added a new layer to it.

“You can be a hero,” Izuku said giddily.

“I look like an eldritch horror,” Kacchan pointed out.

“It’s just the white and empty eyes,” Izuku sat back, studying him. “And the knife sized teeth,” Izuku rubbed his chin while Kacchan grimaced. “And then there’s the matter of the razor sharp claws, and we can’t forget the towering mass of muscles-”

“I get it, nerd,” Kacchan shoved him lightly, a hand clenching the back of his suit to stabilize Izuku. He was painfully aware that he was still sitting on his lap, but he had no intention of moving yet.

“We can make you a suit,” he offered, thinking of how they were going to explain everything to Toshinori-san.

“I’m not going to stuff Venom in a suit like some kind of chorizo.”

“No, no, they can blend into the suit, like they did with me,” Izuku patted his chest, his blue and red suit back to normal.

“We can’t have two Spidermans running around, nerd.”

“You don’t have to be Spiderman,” Izuku mumbled, grabbing his hand again. “You can be yourself, that’s plenty.”

His expression softened.

“Fine, we can talk about suits, dork,” Kacchan played with his fingers. “It has to be black, with some orange details.”

Izuku snorted.

“So you’ve thought about it.”

“Of course I have! I’m not going to be caught dead with that blue and red shit you have going on,” Kacchan flicked him on the chest, hitting the spider. “It looks stupid as fuck.”

“You can pretend all you want that you don’t like it, I know better,” Izuku said. “You own Spiderman pajamas!”

“You gave them to me, dipshit!”

“You still wear them!”

“I’m not throwing away free crap, besides I wear them as a statement!”

“What kind of statement? That you’re a massive fanb-”

“Don’t finish that sentence, nerd,” Kacchan warned him. “I’m stronger than you now, I’ll push you out of the window.”

“Don’t, this time I might actually fall on my face,” Izuku bemoaned. The adrenaline was wearing down and his wounds throbbed, demanding his attention.

“You never said you were hurt, can you stand up?” When Izuku didn’t reply, Kacchan grabbed him by the back of his knees, and he threw his arms behind his back as he lifted them up. “Let’s tend those wounds.”

Izuku didn’t protest.

Kacchan took him to the bathroom, and he placed Izuku on top of the toilet lid as he rummaged through the medicine cabinet.

“I’m fine, Kacchan, some cuts and bruises,” Izuku struggled to get out of his battered suit. His friend came to his aid, tearing the upper part of his suit easily, as if it wasn’t a sturdy material made specially to withstand multiple blows.

“You’re stronger,” Izuku said dumbly.

“Hah? So what? Are you scared or something?” Kacchan scowled, but he stepped back.

“I’ve never been scared of you,” he whispered, and Kacchan got back to helping him undress, not meeting his eyes. “Besides, shouldn’t you be tearing your own shirt to bandage my wounds?” Izuku tried to defuse the tension as more of his black and blue skin was exposed.

“I’ve been wearing this shirt for days,” Kacchan slid his arms out of the suit carefully. “If you want an infection, then by all means let me use my disgusting shirt.” As he stripped his torso, his expression clouded. “For fucks sake, Deku,” Kacchan’s hand hovered over his body, not knowing were to touch. His side was an entire bruise, probably from a cracked rib, and his arm wasn’t bleeding anymore, but the cut required some stitches.

“It’s fine,” Izuku trapped his hand, and squeezed.

“It’s not fucking fine, we have to go to a hospital!”

“No hospitals!”

“Damn it, Deku, you-” Suddenly, his eyes turned white, and his expression blanked out. With a slow blink, the fiery red came back and his friend shook his head.

“Kacchan?”

“Do you trust me?” Kacchan asked, cupping the back of his head.

“With my life.”

Kacchan nodded, letting go of his nape and instead taking his hands.

“Focus on me, okay?”

Izuku held his gaze, resisting the urge to tear himself away when he felt the black substance emerge between them and plunge into his skin. Kacchan leaned in and touched his forehead, and Izuku focused on that contact, ignoring the ice filling his veins. His whole body tingled as every cut, bruise or internal damage was healed. It might have been a couple of minutes, but felt like a lifetime before the symbiote oozed from his forearms and jumped back into Kacchan.

“Are you okay? Was that too much?”

“I’m okay, Kacchan,” Izuku said. “Thank you, and thank you, Venom.”

“I’m serious, Deku, I don’t want you freaking out.”

“It’s okay, you’re here,” he said simply, shrugging. “That’s all that matters to me right now.”

Kacchan’s eyes flickered to his, and Izuku sensed a shift in the space between them. Brusquely, his friend got up, putting distance between them.

“I’ll get you clothes, try not to trip in the shower.”

Izuku took off the rest of his suit when the door clicked shut. He studied his unblemished body, aside from his freckles and a couple of scars, Izuku didn’t have a single mark on him. He wasn’t sure how to react to the symbiote, but his friend seemed to have it under control and he meant what he said; Izuku trusted Kacchan with his life.

He showered as fast as he could, rushing in fear of not finding his friend when he finished. Kacchan pushed past him without a word the second Izuku was out, and in less than a minute he heard the water running.

There was a pair of sweatpants and a worn out t-shirt waiting for him on the bed, so he dropped his towel and changed into his sleep clothes. He laid down on his side, staring intently at the door. When Kacchan emerged, toweling his hair and wearing a stretched out white t-shirt and a pair of basketball shorts Izuku owned, his chest throbbed in painful pangs, longing and relief beating down on his heart. It hurt in the best way.

“I should-” Kacchan stood in the middle of the room, clenching his hands nervously.

“Stay, please,” Izuku held out his palm, pleading. “I’m not ready to have you out of my sight.”

“Now you know how I feel everytime you swing away to fight some crazy fucker,” Kacchan grabbed his hand and climbed into bed. He mimicked Izuku, laying on his side too. “Did you talk to my parents?” Kacchan wondered, his head on his bicep.

“I was going to if I didn’t find you by tomorrow,” Izuku replied, scooting until they were sharing the same pillow and their knees touched with every movement. “Since I told everyone you had a family emergency, it was a matter of time before I had to reach out to them.”

“What were you going to tell them?”

“The truth,” Izuku mumbled. “It was the least I owed them and you.”

“That’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard,” he said, then sighed. “I’m sorry it took me so long to come back,” Kacchan murmured, gaze cast down.

“I’m sorry I didn’t find you sooner,” Izuku wasn’t going to let him feel guilty for something that wasn’t his fault.

“To be fair, I was the one that found you,” Kacchan placed a tentative hand on Izuku’s hip.

“You always do,” he said, tears welling up in his eyes. “You saved me.”

“Someone has to, nerd,” Kacchan caught a stray tear sliding down his cheek. “You heroes are a pesky bunch.”

“If something had- If you had-” Izuku couldn’t even finish those thoughts. “I would never forgive myself if I lost you.”

“I know, Deku,” Kacchan rubbed comforting circles on his side, the warmth of his palm scorching.

“No, you don’t understand,” Izuku kept going. “What you mean to me, what you’re to me, Kacchan, I-” a hand covered his mouth, muffling his words.

“Don’t get so worked up, Deku,” his friend moved closer, until their chests were touching. “I understand what you’re saying, because I love you too, you massive crybaby.”

Izuku might not have been the strongest anymore, but he was still faster. In a blink, he had shoved Kacchan onto his back and straddled him. He smiled at the small glimpse of shock he caught in his red eyes before Izuku leaned down and kissed him.

This kiss was the first time he had jumped off a building after getting his powers. The sensation of weighing nothing, the air swooshing fiercely around him before he shot his web and swung from it. Izuku had been flying, completely free, and yet, something solid and strong tied him to the ground.

In this case, it was Kacchan’s fingers sinking into his hair as he returned the kiss with the same ferocity. When he slid his hand under his t-shirt, caressing his lower back with a callous palm, Izuku gasped into his mouth, fisting the sheets by his head and almost ripping them with the force of his grip. Kacchan surged up, circling his wrists and bringing his hands to rest on his shoulders.

“It’s okay, nerd,” he groaned against his lips. “I’m not going to break, not anymore.”

Izuku didn’t reply, only hugged him harder. There was nothing breakable about the man he had chased after since he was a kid. It was him who was shattering from the inside. All the love Izuku had stifled down for years was cracking his armor and pouring from him, because Kacchan had needed only four words to break him.

I love you too.

Kacchan knew how Izuku felt and he was right there with him. Nothing could ever compare to this triumph, so Izuku gave up and let Kacchan drown out everything else. Sinking into his kisses was one of the easiest things he had ever done, same as loving him.

Later, Kacchan was draped over him while Izuku played with the blond locks. He didn’t remember if he had ever felt this strong and weak at the same time.

“Go to sleep, Deku,” Kacchan groaned..

“I don’t think I can sleep,” he wasn’t going to risk waking up without Kacchan, and after the past hour, Izuku was wide awake.

“Well, I can, I’m fucking exhausted,” Kacchan threw a leg over his, nuzzling into the crook of his neck.

“I’ll watch over you,” Izuku promised, kissing the top of his head. “Hey, Kacchan?”

“Hmm?”

“I love you,” Izuku said, just because he wanted to.

“No shit, nerd,” Kacchan kissed his neck briefly and Izuku closed his eyes.

“Thank you for coming back.”

“Tch, I know my way home just fine, loser, don’t worry.”

Home.

Kacchan, safe and sound in his arms.

Yes, this was his home too.

[msmoonfire]

Easy Candlework 101 - All you must know

So you wanna use candles, right?! Keep reading for more juice.❤

Hey guys, today I'm sharing with you the most essential info & rules to achieve effective candlework in your everyday life. I'll try to keep it as concise and simple as possible & hope this post helps you maximize the outcome of your rituals!

Little disclaimer: by *ritual* I mean the sole purpose you're using the candle for. Your commitment and intent IS THE RITUAL. Not necessarily related to a session featuring other magic tools and formal spellwork.

To make sure you're using the best candle for your intent, check each specific correspondence here below. Focus on your goal and consider for how long are you going to use the candle. Practice makes perfect! *PLEASE STAY SAFE WHILE HANDLING CANDLES, FIRES AND MATCHES. BE EXTRA CAREFUL, DON'T LEAVE CANDLES UNATTENDED.*

Thank you loves, xox msmoonfire IG: msmoonfire

1. When to light a candle.

Candles should be used ONLY IN MOMENTS OF NEED, STRUGGLE AND WEAKNESS. Using a candle in moments where it's not necessary is INEFFECTIVE. You can't use them as an "additional" or "supportive" ritual for what is already perfectly fine. Save yourself some money and stop wasting candles for non-honorable purposes. Fire energy is proud and very strong, it doesn't like just to be a useless "accessory" in your space. Do not offend it.

Each time you light a candle, there must be a serious reason why.

2. What candle do I choose?

Size, height, duration, color and scent all depend on your needs.

Maxi votive candles (40h+ duration) - Use if you're stuck in a situation that'll take long weeks or even an entire month to come to an end: you can light it every night for 2-3 hours until you achieve your goals.

Big candles (30h+ duration) - Use if you're stuck in a situation that'll take about 15 days to come to an end: you can light it every night for 2-3 hours until you achieve your goals.

Medium candles (20-26h duration) - Use if you're stuck in a situation that'll take between 1 week and 10 days to come to an end: you can light it every night for 2-3 hours until you achieve your goals.

Mini candles (2-4h duration) - Use if you're invoking the help of fire energy for just a 1-day matter, use tealights and small candles. Let it burn until the flame expires by itself, do not suppress it.

BARE CANDLE: it's the candle alone, you decide what type of candle holder goes underneath. Plates, flat coasters & ashtrays are recommended. Very effective in small sizes. Use if you don't need extra protection and for shortest term rituals (1-2 days). When larger, it can be placed inside a lantern or vase (read VASE C. or LANTERN). Can't be lit in social settings, indoor only. This type of candle supports the presence of other flames.

JAR CANDLE: Jarred candle or jar containing a candle, includes a jar cap. The cap is very useful for suppressing the flame gently; this type is recommended for long term rituals that require you to light up and extinguish the candle every night. Excellent for patience, perseverance, affection and self-help. Can be lit in social settings ALONE, without the interference of other candles.

LANTERN: whatever candle you decide to place inside a lantern. Best effective for welcoming GUIDANCE, spirituality, PEACE, HOPE and INSPIRATION. DON'T USE for anything related to sadness/negativity/confusion, this candle WON'T HELP YOU SOLVE PROBLEMS. Can only be lit in private or familiar settings, both outdoor and indoor. This type of candle supports the presence of other bare flames at a reasonable distance.

VASE CANDLE: candle poured or placed inside a vase holder. Vase candles don't have a cap, they're open on top. Best suitable for pyromancy/flame reading, social relationships, deep spellwork and protection (the taller the vase/the darker the color of the vase, the stronger the protection). By far the most powerful yet sensitive of all, can't be lit in social settings. Indoor only. This type of candle DOES NOT support the presence of other flames.

ROUND/FLOATING CANDLE: has round edges, made to float on water during a relaxing bath or just for atmosphere in a pond. They interact well with water energy, best suitable for emotions, mystery and for any sort of healing ritual. Can be lit in social settings but most effective in private, both indoor and outdoor. This type of candle supports the presence of other "twin" flames.

CLASSIC THIN & TALL CANDLE (candelabra): typical slender candle, excellent for spirituality, enlightment, ambition, special occasions and wealth. Being a tall candle, it strives towards a higher dimention and energy. Can be lit in social settings, indoor only. Supports the presence of other flames. Best effective if colored (non-white).

3. What color should I pick?

White: neutral wishes, positive energy within ourselves, light-hearted thoughts, purity, weather, anything home-related, balance, equality, winter.

Black: deep issues, overcoming fears and disorders, difficult problems of any sort, protection, investigation, inner strength, vision, tension, explicit clarity, negative energy to fight off.

Indigo, Purple: spirituality, beliefs, transformation, rebirth, higher knowledge, research, prayers, emotional connection, meditation, strong neutral energy that needs to be channeled upwards.

Blue: motivation, logic, control, consistency, physical movement, gaps and lacks of any sort, donations, masculine energy, males, assertiveness, addiction, prizes, charts, competitiveness, law.

Lilac, light blue, turquoise, periwinkle etc.: freedom, exploration, travel, serenity, peace of mind, good will, big steps, dreams, mood improvement, healing, positive energy that needs to expand, summer.

Light/Dark grey: must use this color only in case you run out of candles or have a minor neutral doubt. It's the weakest, most vulnerable color of all. Its absolute neutrality can be affected by negativity.

Yellows: your own relationship with nature outdoor, vitality, the arts, music, musical instruments, games, service, help, encouragement, small steps, new life, newborns, babies, spring.

Oranges: boldness, personality, social relationships, respect, parties, breaking control, breaking the rules, breaking patterns, decision making, negative energy from other people that needs to be sent back to the source, breakups.

Browns: formalities, work environment, stability, assets, tasks, stasis, milestones, practicalities, buildings, construction, neutral energy that has to stay fixed and stored inside your own body and possessions, long term memory, autumn.

Greens: environment, plants, progress, accountability, sustainability, food, sports, animals, crafts, strong neutral energy that is essential for our survival, common sense, empathy, inspiration.

Pinks (antique, candy, dust...): Love, collaboration, confessions, talks/chats, sex, behavioral changes, patience, understanding, menstrual cycle, labor, delivery, reception, friendships, courage, gossip, feminine energy, females, intuition.

Reds: passions (hobbies, competitions, dreams, jobs), determination, fury, anger, negative energy that needs to be balanced out, high pressure, stress, beauty, glamour, taboos, speed, war, drama, devastation, destruction, short term memory.

Fuchsia: anything moral, ethic thoughts, human rights, philosophy, heightened sensitivity/intuition, humanitarian propaganda, originality, demonstrations, collectivity, unity, deep conversations, study, culture, open mind.

Gold: = Yellow + all things money-related and sunshine.

Silver: loneliness, cozy environment, cold temper, sacred space, the outer space, modernity, modern style, metals, fish, any measure of time, time, clocks, watches, anything cold/frozen/precious/eternal.

Bronze: similar to brown + the past, hearth, wood, the 4 seasons, strength, warm environment, anything cooked/boiling hot/old/seasoned, spices, resistance, hospitality, endurance, restoration, recycling, maintenance.

[kakiwrites]

astronomy

Genre: angst

Hajime iwaizumi x reader

Warning: cancer, y/n death

Synopsis: when you get diagnosed with cancer, you wanted to spend what little time you had left completing your bucket list with iwaizumi.

a/n: blame @tendousfingerbandagess for this idea. I was just listening to conan gray's new song 'astronomy' then prompted this idea. I want to share my pain with you all hehehe! Let's get started.

"we found that you have acute lymphocytic leukemia…" were the first and only words you heard from the doctor before blood suddenly rushed to your ears.

You were rushed to the hospital by your boyfriend, Iwaizumi, when your very high fever kept coming back every few hours. Hajime sat next to you as the doctor broke the news to you, trying to comfort you by running his thumb over your clenched knuckle. He hoped to ease you into the harsh reality that was brought upon you but you couldn't feel anything then. All you felt was the piercing cold. You didn't know if it was a symptom of your new diagnosis or because of the news itself.

"w-well, can you still treat it?" Iwaizumi asked for you, squeezing your hand to attempt and bring you back into this conversation.

"we can but it'll be painful-"

"what if I don't want to be treated?" you suddenly chimed in. that caused Hajime to turn to you with a shocked expression. No. You have to get treated. He can't lose you.

"w-what are you saying, (y/n)? Y-you can't be serious." Iwaizumi let out a humorless chuckle, praying that you would laugh along and reassure him that you were kidding. But you didn't do that. You sat straight in the uncomfortable chair, waiting for the doctor's response.

"Well, though it is not ideal, we can delay putting you on the transplant list but that will lessen your chances to survive. Chemo therapy is also on the table." the doctor replied professionally, his clipboard opened on your file to take note of your wishes.

"I want to delay both as of now. I-I just need time to think…" your voice cracked. You wanted to be strong. To show your boyfriend that you could handle it and that you'll be okay. But from the looks of your face, how you trembled beside him, iwaizumi knew that it was the exact opposite of what you were trying to portray. The doctor nodded his head before he left you alone with a confused and distraught Iwa.

"why?" Iwa's voice was barely above whisper as his glassy eyes looked into yours in sorrow. He wanted you to live. He already planned his future with you. How you would have two kids running around the small house you two would purchase to accommodate your family. But now, he wasn't so sure if that same dream of his will come to life. The only thing he could do now was pray that you'll survive and live through this.

"I want to live my life, haj," you replied. You shot him a sad grin before you took a deep breath and spoke once more. "I want to live my life to the fullest before I grow weak and have to sit in a hospital room and wait impatiently for the small chance that I'll find a donor or see any big progresses." you let out a watery laugh. Damn, this was harder than it looks. "I want to live my last stronger moments with you." tears ran down your cheeks at the end of your little speech. You looked back to see iwaizumi's tears flowing down just like yours did.

Iwaizumi brought your hand up to his quivering lips and placed a soft kiss on them. "then I'll help you. I'll help you live your life to the fullest." he placed another kiss on your knuckle, a sign of a promise he was willing to do anything to keep.

"okay, I'm done!" you called Iwa. You placed your pen down and waited for him to pop out from your shared bedroom.

Iwaizumi smiled and sat next to you on the couch, reaching a hand out to take the slip of paper from you. You gave it to him willingly. "have a road trip around Japan, adopt a puppy, try delicacies in each city we visit, bungee jumping, and star gazing. Wow, it looks like we have a lot of things to do~" he said, wrapping his arm around you and bringing you closer as his eyes skimmed through the list once more.

You nodded your head in agreement. Iwaizumi explained to his team that he wouldn't be there as often because of your diagnosis. They all agreed that your health came first and that they'll be fine hearing his critiques on their forms and diet from home. Just like that, he already sacrificed so much for your sake. He now asked you to write down a small little bucket list you could do together before you decide to settle down and get better. He promised to help you live your life to the fullest after all.

"When do you think is the best time to start working on this?" he asked, waving the list in his hand. You shrugged. You didn't want to rush him into finishing this and risk burning your boyfriend out. This was his time to relax and have fun beside you. "We should get packing then!" he took both of your hands and pulled you up from your seat, causing a giggle to bubble up from your throat. You tilted your head when his words sank into your brain. Pack? Right now?

"You want me to pack? Right now?" you asked skeptically. Iwa chuckled before leaning in and pressing a quick kiss on your soft lips.

"because we're going on that road-trip tomorrow, you idiot." Hajime watched your eyes lit up with glee before you skipped into your bedroom and packed your shared luggage.

Even in the devastating predicament you were in, you didn't stop being so positive and happy. That was one of the things he loved about you.

"We drive through the woods

Rich neighborhoods to watch

We joked as we looked

That they were too good for us

Cause socially speaking we were the same

With runaway fathers and mothers who drank

A tale old as time

Young love don't last for life"

You sat in the passenger seat of Hajime's car, a blanket keeping you comfortable while Conan Gray's astronomy blaring through the speakers. Iwaizumi couldn't help but bop his head behind the wheel while you sang along.

"damn, your voice sounds amazing." he complimented, causing your cheeks to feel hot. Iwaizumi chuckled before he turned and parked in the wide parking lot of the animal shelter.

"wait! Are we getting the puppy now?!" you squealed excitedly. Iwaizumi clicked his seatbelt off and hummed in confirmation. You never got out of the car that quickly before.

Fortunately, this was only the beginning.

For the next few days, you traveled around Japan with your new puppy, iwaizumi named (y/n) Jr., went bungee jumping together, and tried delicacies in each town. you had the time of your life.

But fun had to end.

On the last day of your third week, you started to feel waves on waves of fatigue wash over you. You just wanted to rest with Iwaizumi but you felt like giving in was only admitting that you can't handle it anymore.

So you forced yourself to get up.

It was hard to hide things from iwaizumi. He was always perceptive, especially now. He was there to help you live.

He needed you to live. Because he knew that he wasn't anyone without you.

"you okay? We can rest today if you want." he asked worriedly, walking over and assisting you to a seat. He went into the kitchen to fetch you a glass of water.

"no, I'm fine." you replied, trying to reduce your shaking as you take the glass and chugged the water. You could only hope that your headache will subside soon. "do you have anything planned for today?" you asked, feigning cheerfulness. Iwaizumi glanced back at you worriedly before he sighed, flashing you a small smile.

"well, we have stargazing on your list so I was planning to do just that." Iwa sat next to you and stretched his arm over your shoulder. You giggled before you closed your eyes and nuzzled into him, wishing to store the last bit of your energy that you felt was seeping out at a rapid pace.

Iwaizumi could hope that it wasn't what he suspected. That you were just having an off-day. That you were okay, just like the last few weeks.

But that was all he could do. All he could do was hope.

The night air was colder than usual.

You pulled your thick cardigan closer to your chest and squeezed iwa's hand, hoping that his warmth would seep into you. Hajime looked back at you worriedly. "you okay? Dammit, we should've stayed home-"

"i'm fine, haji, it's just colder than usual." you lied, nudging him, telling him to keep walking.

You felt like you used up all of your energy climbing up the small hill where a picnic blanket was set-up on the very top, a small stereo playing Astronomy softly. You couldn't help but gasp in surprise. Maybe that wasn't a good idea, the lack of air in your lungs already making you dizzy. The gasp hid the shallowness of your breath from your already anxious boyfriend who helped you get settled on the blanket under the stars.

"just... Sit tight." iwaizumi took a deep breath before he stood in front of you, made a fist and pretended he was holding a mic as he sang along to Conan's soft voice.

"We've traveled the seas

We've ridden the stars

We've seen everything

From Saturn to Mars

As much as it seems

Like you own my heart

It's astronomy

We're two worlds apart"

He took your hand and pulled you up on your shaking feet. he got down on one knee then took out a velvet box. Your hands flew to your mouth. This can't be happening.

"(y/n), it might look like we don't have time but i know you can fight back and win. I can wait until then. So (y/n) (l/n), will you marry me?" he muttered to keep his voice from cracking. Your smile reached from ear to ear, nodding your head rapidly at a loss of words. Iwaizumi slipped the ring onto your finger and was about to pull you close into a hug when the unthinkable happened.

Your feet buckled under you, unable to support your weight anymore. Your breath was ragged and loud. You tried to suck in air to no avail. What was going on?

Your ears ring while black dots start to spread through your vision. The last thing you remembered was your now fiance's blurry figure in front of you, desperately trying to bring you back to him.

Cold. The cold just seeps into you, suffocates you until-

You woke up to the blinding lights of the hospital. Your tired eyes moved to observe the room. You felt someone squeezed your hand. You turned to see a sleepy iwaizumi slouched in one of those uncomfortable hospital chairs, his hand gripping yours tightly. Hajime jolted awake the second you squeezed his hand back.

"(y/n)!" he exclaimed in relief, bringing his head down and kissing the ring on your finger repeatedly. Little droplets littered your hand. Iwaizumi was crying. "i-i thought i lost you... You wouldn't wake up for days a-and-" he sobbed. You pulled him into your chest, letting him nuzzle into your weak figure.

That small reassurance that you still had that small fight left in you helped iwaizumi sleep that night.

It was only the beginning of hell for you.

For the next few weeks, iwaizumi couldn't do anything but watch as your once strong figure rapidly grew weaker by the day. He had no idea had to stop it.

He needed a miracle.

He picked up his phone, dialed a certain number and waited for them to answer. If iwaizumi needed a miracle, this was the guy to call.

Another week went by, you were looking out your window in boredom when your hospital room door opened. thinking it was another nurse, you used all your strength to crane your neck to look at the person who entered. Your eyes lit up when you saw Iwaizumi enter with the Argentina setter, Oikawa.

"tooru!" you cheerfully yelled. Oikawa immediately rushed toward you. The man was about to pounce on you but iwa came to the rescue just in time and pulled the setter away from your bed.

"what are you doing here?" you asked, wiping away the stray happy tears that accumulated in the corners of your eyes.

"simple!" oikawa said as he skipped back to the door and opened it to reveal matsukawa and hanamaki with an officiant. "i decided to provide a little bit of a miracle." You turned to iwaizumi who glowed pink beside you. Was this really happening?

Your little "ceremony" flew by too quickly for your liking. You wished you could just cherish this moment forever. How all of the former members of the volleyball team came in and gave their congratulations and told little anecdotes they remember about the early stages of your relationship, like the time hajime almost beaten up oikawa for flirting with you in high school or how iwaizumi accidentally hit you with his spike when he was staring a second too long.

The noise slowly died down to the beeps of your heart monitor connected to you. Iwaizumi sat beside you and kissed your hand once more. "we're officially married now." he whispered, not wanting to break the soft ambience of the room.

"yeah..." you leaned back weakly in your bed. A wave of fatigue suddenly hit you. Maybe it was because of the eventful day you've had.

"You gotta live through this if you want to enjoy our honeymoon." he joked, causing you to let you a soft giggle.

"i love you, haj."

"i love you too, baby..."

"We have a code blue!"

Iwaizumi shot out of his seat to be met by a slew of nurses bursting into your room. His eyes snapped toward your limp figure. No. Nonono. This cannot be happening. You were okay. You were laughing along with everyone. You were joking around. You promised to live, to be strong.

Why? Why did you let go now?

"sir, Please step outside of the room." a nurse said to him, hauling the trainer out the door and into the hallway. Iwaizumi dropped into one of the empty seats outside, burying his head in his hands. He prayed to every god he could think of, to spare your life.

But unfortunately, his prayers weren't answered.

When the doctor came out of your room with a somber look on his face. He already knew what happened. His tears silently flowed down his cheeks as his brain blocked out the doctor's voice, ringing growing louder and louder.

There was only one festering thought in his mind now and it was growing bigger the longer he stayed in that hallway. It kept nipping at him when he went back into the room to see your now lifeless body.

You were gone and he will never see you wake up again.

It all moved like a blur to hajime. Your family was as equally as distraught as he was. They offered their support to which Iwaizumi refused to take. At night he would imagine that you would come bursting into the room and cuddle with you and every time, he would feel tears prick his eyes when he would remember that it didn’t work like that.

The funeral wasn’t any better. Iwaizumi would acknowledge the typical condolence message here and there. He went out of his way to make his eulogy speech a bit more personal for your grieving family members and friends. He couldn’t stop his sobs when he watched as your casket got lowered into your final resting place. The pain felt unbearable.

He stood in front of your new and clean tombstone, tears pricking the corners of his eyes as he held (y/n) jr. In his other hand. He let out a shaky smile, the smile he usually reserved for you. He was going to miss you.

"don't worry love, we'll meet again." he whispered hoping you would hear him one last time. It was going to be hard to move on but he’s going to do everything in his power to pull himself back up and come to terms with reality and maybe to keep your memory alive.

And that's all! This was a real whirlwind and I didn't really anticipate it being this long! Hope you guys enjoyed this! Thanks for @tetsunormous for getting mad at me for spamming and beta reading! Requests are open so please don't be shy to leave anything in my inbox! Love you guys 💖💕❤️

General taglist (don’t be shy to comment your tumblr @ below): @tokyoghoose @macaronnv @reogou @midnightangelfox @wumboho @seiijixcia

[gaiasdottir]

Visiting the trauma den

I visited my parent's house today. Not because I wanted to see them, no, I thought I'd left my birth certificate and history degree there, and I kind of need them to churn through legal transition and job application stuff. I'd had a terrible morning, the first time in two weeks I hadn't seen the girl in the mirror, and was dissociating for the first time in like a month. I committed to going because if I was going to have a shitty day, it might as well be productive.

It was exactly as depressing as I expected it to be. My bedroom is like a living museum, with a paper mâch�� dragonfly I'd made in primary school hanging from the ceiling, right next to a high school term planner and a Game of Thrones poster I'd put up in my first year of uni. Everything is caked in dust, and most things are exactly where I'd left them when I moved out, even though my dad lives out of that room now.

Nothing about the room looks deliberate. I lived out of it for 25 years, but it is like I was never there. No items I value, no aesthetic preferences expressed, fuck, none of the documents there even have my actual name. It's a trauma den, a hollow I hid in whilst I busied about making myself small. I'd learned from a young age that expressions of my authentic self would earn critique. One of the first things I ever internalised was that having feminine preferences was totally out of line, never to be spoken of, which ruled out most self expression straight away. The one time I ever played music out loud earning a shout from my dad to "turn that shit off." My parents would routinely criticise tattoos or piercings or alt haircuts, so I was never about to express my preferences for goth stuff either. If I ever did or said anything that my parents didn't approve of, from a bad mark at school to having too many chocolates for dessert, I knew it would be related to family members in a ritual of humiliation, right in front of me. No, presenting a small target was the only option I had to survive. The only identity my parents would ever see in that room was the one they gave me, Good Student. That dragonfly has stood on guard since 2003 because in nearly 20 years I'd never found a safe way to express myself using that space. As I churned through dusty stacks of folders and files looking for what I came for, combing over a lifetime's worth of papers, I felt like a stranger. They were objectively mine, but I didn't recognise them, all filed under Mr Deadname as they were. I felt as distant from the person that lived in that room as I do strangers. I didn't find what I wanted, only existential dread. Only the sense that I had wasted 25 years of my life in between those four walls, almost invariably alone and wallowing in depression, unidentified gender dysphoria chaining me to my computer, the only place I could be someone approximating myself. I had no youthful misadventure, no wanderings about town with friends or inadvisable drinking, no girlfriends or questionable experimentations with drugs, no awkward phases that I could look back on with mixed nostalgia and regret, no youth, no living. I felt like every day I had spent in that room, every day before leaving home, was a waste of time. I left in disgust, the opportunity to hug my old man cat the visit's one saving grace. When I got home, I did what I always do when I have a particularly dysphoric day - I invested in myself. But my face is shaved, my hair as cute as it will get without growing longer. My arms and legs are bare of hair, my chest freshly plucked. An easy crutch, validation from men on Grindr, is no longer valuable to me either since I'm still deep in a sapphic panic. The easy victories that marked the early weeks of my transition are no longer available to me. No, fuck it, what's $280 in fees for a lifetime of freedom? I printed my Legal Name Change Request form and supporting documents, finding enough to cope without my birth certificate. Mr Deadname can have the room of existential dread and my past, but I have a life to live. The future is mine.  

[doc-pickles]

anywhere i want (just not home)

I didn't have it in myself to go with grace

And so the battleships will sink beneath the waves

You had to kill me, but it killed you just the same

For the love of my life, the inspiration behind TS week, the wind in my sails… Happy later birthday @odd-birds-and-booksellers I hope you enjoy this

Always, Your Computer Wife,

Nina

+

We gather here, we line up

Weepin' in a sunlit room, and

If I'm on fire, you'll be made of ashes too

Even on my worst day, did I deserve, babe

All the hell you gave me?

The pain in her cheek is still stinging as she struggles to open her eyes. There’s the faintest hint of sunlight filtering through the large window of her bedroom, a new day just beginning only hours after she’d finally been left alone long enough to find some peace.

The bed next to her is cold and empty, Paul having left for work while she was still crying and groaning in pain. He hadn’t spared her a second glance as he’d gotten dressed for the day, stepping over the puddle of blood that had collected on the floor where she’d laid for hours as he kicked her mercilessly, hurling harsh blows and leering insults as she’d tried to protect herself.

She pulls herself up and drags her barely conscious body to the shower, rinsing off the dried blood and sweat as she tends to the wounds she can see. She already knows she has at least one bruised rib and a sprained ankle, but she can’t do much about it now. For now all she can do is rinse off, lay in bed and hope that tonight doesn’t bring more of the same.

+

Jo bolts upright in bed, hand pressed to her chest as she attempts to slow her breathing down. The dream echoes in the back of her head, the painful memories replaying themselves in vivid technicolor right before her eyes.

She knows why they’re haunting her again, knows that he’s looking for her right now and that he won’t stop until he’s found her. Paul has made that much clear with his texts and letters, little signs to make it clear that they’re not done yet.

A hand closes over hers and she almost jumps before she remembers where she is. Jo squeezes Alex’s hand back, letting him pull her back down and into his embrace. As soon as his arms circle around her she can feel her body begin to calm down.

“It’s not even 2 AM, try and get some sleep, you need it,” Alex’s voice in her ears convinces her to close her eyes, even if sleep is far off the feeling of him so close helps to relax her. “I’ll be here when you wake up.”

'Cause I loved you, I swear I loved you

'Til my dying day

It’s later that same day when Jo receives another text, the ping stopping her during rounds and prompting her to make a flimsy excuse to Meredith as she rushes to the nearest bathroom.

Can’t wait to see you soon, both of you.

The text lingers in her mind as her breakfast reappears, tears flowing as she tries to drown out the overwhelming noise in her mind. Paul didn’t make empty threats, that’s one thing she knew for sure. The texts she was receiving were just the tip of the iceberg for whatever he had in store for her.

“Jo? You in here?”

She can barely respond to Alex in between crying and being sick, her body overwhelmed as she tries to keep herself calm. Jo can hear Alex saying something incomprehensible as she begins to hyperventilate, his voice growing further away as her breathing became more ragged.

The last thing Jo registers before everything goes black is Alex holding her against his chest, his fingers threading through her hair in an attempt to calm her as his heartbeat echoed unsteadily in her ears.

When she comes back around Jo’s not shocked to find herself laying in a hospital bed, an IV and monitoring wires hooked up to her pale skin. Before she has a chance to overthink anything though Alex is in front of her, his hands running down her cheeks and wiping away the tears she hadn’t realized had collected there.

“Why didn’t you tell me? I could’ve helped you,” Alex’s voice is soft as she meets his eyes, his gaze causing her to melt into another round of tears. “Oh Jo, it’s okay.”

“It’s not! He’s going to kill me, he already knows where I am and this time he’s going to make sure I don’t survive,” Jo chokes the words out, her fingers ghosting over her protruding stomach. “Alex, he's not going to leave me alone until both of us are dead. I can’t put our baby at risk like that.”

The thought almost makes her sick again, her daughter kicking against her hand as she draws in a deep breath. Of all the wild and unexpected things her and Alex had been through, their daughter was by far her favorite. Even with a few weeks left until she arrived Jo already felt a fierce instinct to protect the little girl growing in her womb.

“I’m not going to let him get anywhere near the two of you, I promise,” Alex brushes back a few strands of hair lingering on her forehead, pressing a kiss to the cool skin as he settles into the bed next to her. “You’re safe with me Jo, both of you are.”

I didn't have it in myself to go with grace

Jo wants to believe Alex, she really does. Since her breakdown over Paul’s threats he had been by her side whenever he could. His presence was comforting but it did little to calm the raging mental battle she was fighting inside her head.

Now though, as she stares down at her daughter sleeping peacefully in her arms, she knows that she made the right decision. She just hopes Alex agrees with her.

“She's perfect, you did so good,” Alex had repeated the words over and over since Isla had made her appearance almost six hours ago, but they still prompt a smile on Jo’s face. “I love you two so much.”

“I love you, we both do,” Jo leans up and captures his lips with her own, lingering a little longer than she normally would as Alex’s fingers trace her cheek delicately. “Would you do me a big favor? I left my robe at home and it’s freezing in here. Could you go home real quick and grab it?”

Alex nods, a grin on his face as he stands from the chair at her bedside and gathers his keys and wallet. Jo watches him intently, memorizing every movement and expression that makes him exactly the man she fell in love with. He leans down to press one more kiss to her forehead then Isla’s before promising to be back soon.

As the door to her hospital room shuts, Jo looks down at her daughter, tears splashing onto the newborn's cheeks as her mother watches her, “Your daddy loves you very much, don’t you ever forget that.”

And you're the hero flying around, saving face

“Alex, are you coming to work today? It’s been a week,” Meredith’s voice rings out from the doorway of the loft, but Alex can’t bring himself to answer her. She’d been by everyday since he’d come home, her voice prodding at him the only sound in the loft.

He’d gone home to get Jo’s robe like she’d asked, finally finding it tucked away at the very back of the closet instead of hanging in the bathroom like it usually was. On his way back to her room, he’d stopped in the hospital gift shop and grabbed the fluffiest pink and white teddy bear sitting in the window. He had told the cashier that his daughter had just been born and showed off the photo of Jo and Isla that was already his phone lock screen.

And then he’d gone upstairs, the missing robe and teddy bear tumbling from his hands as he found an empty bed and bassinet, Jo and Isla’s bags gone from the room that they’d occupied not even an hour before when he’d left. He’d asked every nurse and doctor on shift but no one had an answer for him. When he finally made it back to the room, he saw the note hastily scribbled across a spare piece of paper, his knees giving way as he read the words printed in Jo’s recognizable script.

I couldn’t let him find us, I’m so sorry. Please don’t worry, we’re safe.

Love you always.

J & I

He’d sat on the floor of the hospital room until Meredith had come to collect him at the bidding of the nurses on the floor. She’d given him a sympathetic look and held him as he cried, only letting his guard down for his closest friend.

The reality hadn’t truly sunk in until he came home later that night to an empty loft filled with baby gear and the scent of Jo lingering on every surface. He’d screamed then, throwing pillows and couch cushions and anything he could find in an attempt to get some of his emotions out in the open.

It hadn’t helped though, the sadness he’d felt morphing into feelings of anger and helplessness. Alex knew that Jo was acting out of desperation, doing what she truly thought was right, and he couldn’t be mad at her for that. No, his anger was directed at the man that had pushed her to that point, had scared her and haunted her every move so horribly that she’d fled Seattle with their newborn daughter in tow.

As he ignores Meredith for yet another day, Alex let his mind wander to Jo and Isla for a moment. He knows Jo would never run with their daughter if she didn’t have a plan to keep her safe, but just the knowledge that they were out there without him broke his heart.

And if I'm dead to you, why are you at the wake?

Cursing my name, wishing I stayed

Look at how my tears ricochet

His fingers press down the collar of the light blue button up once more before sliding the black suit jacket over it. He examines himself in the mirror of the hotel room one last time before turning to leave. He’d only been to Seattle once before for a medical conference, but this trip held a much more important air to it.

Brooke, his Brooke, was close. Closer than she’d ever been before and he couldn’t wait to see her again. He was delighted when he’d found her again, even more so when he found out that she was a doctor giving him the perfect opportunity to drop in on her. He couldn’t wait to see the look on her face when he saw her.

We gather stones, never knowing what they'll mean

Some to throw, some to make a diamond ring

When Alex finally makes it back to work he’s met with an abundance of pitying looks and unhelpful comments. He knows most of his coworkers have good intentions but he’s in the verge of screaming at the next person who interacts with him. All he wants to do is work and try and forget that his daughter and the love of his life aren’t waiting for him at home like they should be.

“Alex! I have someone I want you to meet,” Arizona’s bubbly voice almost makes Alex roll his eyes, the blonde not doing much to improve his demeanor since he was in no mood to meet anyone new. “This is Doctor Paul Stadler, he’s an expert on laparoscopic surgery techniques which is always helpful when we have tiny humans to save.”

Alex can feel his blood run cold as he turns towards Arizona and the man standing next to her. Whatever picture he had painted in his head fades as he stares at the man in front of him. Despite his bright grin Alex knows exactly what Paul is capable of, what he had done and threatened to do to Jo.

“While I’d love to meet your whole team Doctor Robbins, I’m not here on business today. I’m looking for Doctor Wilson actually.”

“Oh,” Arizona’s face falls, gaze turning to Alex as his jaw tightens. “Actually she’s-“

“She’s gone, she left,” Alex’s voice has an edge that makes even him flinch at how harsh and cold it is.

Paul eyes Alex for a moment, looking him over before speaking again, “That’s unfortunate. Would you happen to know where she is? I’d love to speak with her.”

“Well get in line then because I've been waiting for her to come home for the past three weeks,” Alex slams the iPad in his hands onto the counter of the nurses station, eyes ablaze as he stares Paul down. “You harassed her for months on end and scared her so much that she ran away with our daughter hours after giving birth.”

Paul attempts to conceal the smirk on his face but fails, causing Alex to step towards him with clenched fists. Arizona steps between the two men, fixing Alex with a hard stare.

“Back up Alex. I know that you’re upset about Jo but-“

“But nothing! He’s the reason my girlfriend and daughter are gone!”

“Okay why don’t you take the rest of the day off,” Arizona’s hands squeezing his shoulders finally breaks Alex’s gaze away from Paul whose face has broken into a full on shit eating grin. Arizona and Alex exchange a look and he can tell she’s holding back her anger now as well. “Alex, go home.”

How can I when they’re not there?

The question echoes in his mind the whole drive back to the loft, Alex’s heart constricting as he sat on the edge of his and Jo’s bed. The loft was still empty, sounds still echoing off the walls as he sat alone. His mind brings up the image of Jo and Isla sitting in their hospital room as he walked away, not knowing that was the last time he’d see them.

He leans forward, reaching into his dresser and rummages around his sock drawer for a minute before pulling out a velvet box. When Jo had told him she was pregnant he’d immediately gone out and bought the ring. Not because of Isla, but because starting a family with Jo was all the confirmation he needed that she was it for him. Now the box sat collecting dust in his drawer, it’s future uncertain as he wondered exactly where Jo was.

You know I didn't want to have to haunt you

But what a ghostly scene

“And this is your daddy and your Auntie Meredith. They love you so much,” despite knowing that the infant couldn’t understand what she said or even clearly see the photo she had pulled up on her phone, Jo made sure that Isla knew about all of the people they loved in Seattle. “Your daddy misses you so much, baby girl. I’m sorry I took you away from him, I know that makes me a crappy mom.”

“You’re not a crappy mom,” Jo looks from Isla to the man sitting next to her, his hand settling on her shoulder as he fixes her with a knowing look. “You did what you had to do.”

“Some days it doesn’t feel like that,” Jo sighs, her head falling to his shoulder as she fights back tears. “I took her from her dad! I took her away from the only family she’ll ever have, Link. And why? Because I’m scared?”

Link pulls back from Jo, meeting her eyes as he speaks, “You had every reason to run, you know that. I’ve seen what he’s capable of, I wouldn’t want to worry about that all the time if I were you. Especially with a newborn, I get it. So don’t feel too bad for yourself, I think you made the right choice.”

I didn't have it in myself to go with grace

'Cause when I'd fight, you used to tell me I was brave

“Jo?”

The lights in the loft are off but Jo’s car is parked out front. When he switches the lights on Alex sees Jo shoving clothes into a tote bag, tear stains tracking down her cheeks.

“Jo what are you doing?”

"I'm going to Stephanie’s for a few nights, just until I can figure things out.”

Jo’s voice is nervous and she's talking a mile a minute. She still hasn't looked up at Alex but he can see the bright red hives cropping up on her neck already.

"I'm sorry it was an accident but I’m going to

fix it. It's my fault, I'll fix it!”

"What are you talking about,” despite the fact that he's spoken up more than once Jo seems to be in a world of her own.

“Don't worry about it, you don't need more stress,” Jo’s hands are shaking as she closes the bag she's holding. "It's still early, it'll be an easy fix. I'm going to fix it, I have an appointment scheduled."

It clicks for Alex then just exactly what Jo is talking about. He sinks to his knees next to her tilting her chin up so she’ll finally look at him.

“Are you pregnant?”

"I'm sorry, I missed my birth control it was an accident," Jo’s tone is frantic now as more tears begin to fall. "I have an appointment, I'm going to fix it-“

"Jo slow down, I'm not mad so stop apologizing,” Alex wiped at the tears that had collected on Jo’s cheeks. "You don't want our baby?”

Jo blinked up at Alex as if nothing he was saying was making sense to her.

“What's actually the matter Jo? Why were you so scared to tell me?"

“I… I'm married."

“What?"

“I'm married to a guy who nearly beat me to death. And when I got pregnant I thought he'd

be happy and maybe he'd let up, instead he yelled and screamed and then he,” Jo pauses, eyes downcast as she looks down at her hands. “When he was done with me for the night I wasn't pregnant anymore.

“He wouldn't let me get birth control though so the next time I just solved the problem quietly. And when it happened a third time I ran. I ran and changed my name and never turned back,” Jo finally looks up and meets Alex’s gaze, eyes watery still as he watches her. “I had a miscarraige that time, probably because of how banged up I was. But it got me out of there. So when I started having the same symptoms again I freaked out.”

“Oh Jo…”

“Alex, I’m terrified of my past and of losing you and losing this baby… I’ve already lost far too much. I don’t want to lose any more.”

“You’re not going to lose me. I’m all in with you even if it means we never get married. You and this baby mean everything to me. That is if you want it.”

“Of course I do, I want this more than anything. I want kids with you, I really do but…”

“Okay then we’ll do it.”

“Really? You dont think I’m too damaged or crazy?”

“Yes Jo, I want all of that,” Alex pulled Jo into his lap, placing a hand over her stomach as he pressed a kiss to her forehead. “I love you and you’re just about the bravest person I’ve ever met.”

And if I'm dead to you, why are you at the wake?

Cursing my name, wishing I stayed

Look at how my tears ricochet

The room is spinning when she pries her eyes open, dried blood making the task difficult. She tries to sit up, but the pain radiating from her stomach keeps her down. She knows if she moves she’ll make it worse, but her body is in pain and she can’t lay in this position much longer.

As soon as she makes a move, the pain is back. She thinks it’s his foot that’s making contact with her ribs now, digging into her back as her body curls in on itself.

“Stop! Please!”

The cries are useless, they always are, but she hopes that maybe they’ll convince him to end her suffering sooner or throw the next punch a little softer.

“Please stop! Stop!”

Her shoulders are shaking as she blinks her eyes open again, a pair of blue eyes staring down at her in concern.

“It was just a nightmare, you’re okay and you’re safe,” Link’s words help to steady her heartbeat a little, her eyes moving to Isla who's peacefully sleeping in his arms. “I woke you up because I just turned the news on. Take a look.”

“Former Harvard University professor Paul Stadler was arrested early yesterday morning on charges of battery and assault against his girlfriend, who is still being treated for her injuries at Massachusetts General Hospital. Since his arrest, three more women have come forward with allegations against Stadler ranging from ongoing harassment to physical violence and sexual assault. Boston PD is asking any other victims to contact them at this time.”

Jo stares blankly at the television in front of her, eyes welling with tears as the news footage continues to roll. She wasn’t alone and she was so close to being free from Paul’s hold on her.

“You have to go to Boston, your testimony could put him away,” Link’s voice snaps her out of her reverie, eyes moving from the television to him. “Jo, he’s going to prison. You can finally be free.”

The hope that had ignited her heart just moments earlier was crushed as she played through the possibilities before her. What if she testified and Paul wasn’t put in prison? What if he continued to harass her? What if he hurt Isla? Or Alex?

“I can’t. I can’t face him again… There's too much on the line,” Jo looks away from Link, her tears finally falling. “I have too much to lose.”

“And you’ll be stuck right here if you don’t do anything!”

“At least I’ll be safe then.”

“And what about Alex? You’re okay never seeing him again? Never letting Isla see him?”

Jo stands suddenly, facing Link with an angry expression, “You don’t get to make the calls here Link! I appreciate everything you’ve done for us but I can’t risk everything when there’s not a guarantee that it’ll end up well.”

Jo storms out of the room then, complex emotions overwhelming her as she sinks into her bed. She wishes things were easier, were more black and white instead of the fuzzy grey she’d become so accustomed to. But they aren’t, they never would be with Paul and now she’d dragged Alex and Isla and even Link into the pools of grey she’d spent so long trying to avoid.

And I can go anywhere I want

Anywhere I want, just not home

Alex watched his phone ring for a moment, debating on picking up at all. He doesn’t recognize the number and he doesn’t know anyone from California. But he still clicks the green accept button, hoping whoever it was wasn’t going to waste his time.

“Hello?”

“Hi, I’m so glad you picked up.”

Alex freezes, stares at his phone for a moment, then brings it back up to his ear, “Jo? Is that you?”

“Yeah, it’s me,” there’s a long pause and Alex almost thinks she’s hung up before she begins to cry. “I’m so sorry Alex. I’m so sorry we left you. I didn’t know what else to do.”

“I know, I get why you left. I hate it but I understand,” a sigh leaves him as he rests his head against the wall next to him, tears forming in his eyes as well, “Are you okay?”

“Yes we’re both fine, I wouldn’t have left if I didn’t have somewhere safe to run to,” Jo sucks in a breath, as if her next words are taking everything out of her. “Paul is going to prison.”

“I know, I saw. Are you going to testify?”

“I don’t know. I want to but… There's too much at risk. I don’t want him to hurt you or Isla.”

Just the sound of his daughter's name tugs at Alex’s heart, the tears that had been welling in his eyes spilling onto his cheeks.

“If you don’t go you’re going to be living in fear for the rest of your life. But if you do, you can get closure. And you can save more people from getting hurt by Paul.”

She lets his words sink in for a moment before he hears her voice again, “I miss you so much.”

“I miss you too, you and Isla both,” Alex can hear shuffling in the background, a deep voice and then a small cry.

“I have to go, Alex.”

“Wait Jo-”

“I love you. We both do.”

“I love you too.”

The line goes dead then and Alex can’t help the sob that breaks from his chest. He misses Jo, misses Isla, misses the feeling of wholeness that came to him when he would climb into bed with Jo at the end of every day.

And you can aim for my heart, go for blood

But you would still miss me in your bones

Alex doesn't know what drives him to fly to Boston, but he feels a small sense of relief when he sees Paul Stadler in the defendant's seat. A sick feeling makes itself at home in the pit of his stomach as he watches half a dozen women testify to the horrors that Paul had put them through, detailing the ways he had tormented them. Jo had never gone into detail to him but if what she went through was even half as bad as what he was hearing then he understood why she had gone to such extremes to hide from Paul.

He watches as the final woman testifies and finds her seat again, the courtroom silent except for the prosecuting attorneys whispering among themselves. Finally, one of the lawyers stands and addresses the courtroom, “Your honor, we’d like to call our final witness. The prosecution calls Brooke Elizabeth Stadler, now Josephine Alice Wilson, to the stand.”

Alex feels the air leave his lungs as he watches Jo approach the bench. Her hair is shorter and a dirty blonde color but she’s still the same woman he knows so well. The dark blue dress she’s wearing sways lightly as she takes the stand, stating her name and swearing in before she begins to give her testimony. Jo explains how she and Paul met, how they married, and then she goes into the abuse she endured. Alex listens to the detailed accounts she gives, accompanied by the numerous hospital reports.

“And then one day I got sick of it and I ran. I knew Paul would find me though so I fled the state and changed my name. I started a new life and I have a beautiful daughter,” Jo finally meets Alex’s gaze and he gets the overwhelming urge to wrap her up in his arms and hold her close. “But Paul found me again and he was threatening me so as soon as my daughter was born I ran again. I left behind my new life, the only place I’ve ever felt safe because I knew he would find me again and I couldn’t risk him hurting my daughter.”

The air in the courtroom is thick as Jo’s words sink in. Alex knows he’s not the only one who’s been affected by her testimony and the words of everyone that went before her. The prosecutor thanks Jo, the defending attorney waiving their right to question her. As she steps down from the stand she meets Alex’s gaze for a moment before turning away and going back to her seat.

And I still talk to you (when I'm screaming at the sky)

And when you can't sleep at night (you hear my stolen lullabies)

“Jurors, have you come to a decision?”

“We have your honor,” there’s a tense silence in the courtroom as the decision is handed off to the judge. “We find the defendant Paul Stadler guilty on all charges.” A breath of relief leaves Alex as he turns to look at Jo. There’s tears streaming down her face and the slightest hint of a smile as she looks at him. Before he can get up and go to her though she's surrounded by the other women who had testified, all of them crying in relief.

I didn't have it in myself to go with grace

And so the battleships will sink beneath the waves

She sees him about fifty feet in front of her, his back to her as he stands almost perfectly still. She watches him for a moment, his slumped shoulders and overall defeated attitude and for a moment she feels guilty for what she’s put him through in the past three months. Before she can dwell on the feeling for too long Alex is turning towards her, looking over her with that same sad expression he’d been wearing in the courtroom.

There’s a moment where all Jo and Alex do is stare at each other before she finds herself rushing forward and launching herself into his embrace. His arms are holding her tightly, refusing to let go even as she begins to cry into his chest.

This moment, the feeling of being in Alex’s arms again, is all Jo has wanted since she’d left Seattle.

You had to kill me, but it killed you just the same

“Alex, I’m so-”

“Stop, you don't need to apologize to me,” Alex pulls back from Jo, one hand coming to cup her cheek. “I get it, I understand where you’re coming from. I know why you ran so don’t ever think of apologizing to me. I’m just glad that you’re safe.”

A fresh round of tears springs to Jo’s eyes as she looks up at Alex, “I don’t deserve you. I’ve put you through so much.” Alex blinks down at Jo, not believing what he’s hearing. Their relationship had never been one sided, they’d both supported each through tough situations and had come out stronger at the end. In his eyes this was nothing more than another speed bump.

“I wouldn’t be here if I didn’t want you back Jo. I love you and all of this? None of it changes how I feel about you,” Alex leans down and presses a gentle kiss to Jo’s lips. “I love you and I’m glad you’re back in my arms.”

And you're cursing my name, wishing I stayed

“Hey! I just heard the verdict!”

Jo turns at the sound of Link’s voice, a wide smile spreading across her face as her best friend comes into view. It’s not so much the blonde man’s presence that makes her grin as it is the infant in his arms. Isla is wide eyed as she looks at Jo, the three month old blinking up at her mother with a sense of wonder.

“Hi baby girl, I have someone who’s very excited to see you,” Jo eagerly takes her daughter from Link before turning and looking at Alex. “Isla say hi to daddy, he missed you sooo much.”

The look on Alex’s face as he takes Isla from Jo’s arms is priceless, tears welling in his eyes as he lets out a watery laugh. The little girl snuggles comfortably into his arms, as if she had done it a hundred times before and Jo can’t help her own tears as they leak onto her cheeks.

“You three get together, I think this moment needs to be remembered.” Alex and Jo both heed Link’s instruction and wipe their tears away to boast wide grins. The photo of the three of them squeezed together after a grueling ordeal graces their family mantle for years to come. Even when there are dozens of other family photos, pictures from Alex and Jo’s wedding, and the birth of their second daughter, the photo of Jo, Alex, and Isla standing in front of the courthouse in Boston remains the centerpiece of their living room as a reminder of the sacrifices they all made to keep their family together.

Look at how my tears ricochet